J.D.: You know what'd be really neat? If you guys all took a second and thought about what your best moment in medicine was.
[Everybody gets up and leaves]
J.D.: It would have been neat.

J.D.: [v.o.] There's nothing sadder than a young guy checking into the hospital during the holidays. I think I'll tell Elliot that.
J.D.: There's nothing sadder than a young guy checking into the hospital on the holidays.
Tyler: Hi. That's my dad.
Elliot: Except that. [Tyler drops his ice cream] And that.

Mr. Milligan: Just been so tired lately. Yesterday, when the little man and I were wrestling, he he dropped me in ten seconds.
Tyler: I got him with a power kick.
Carla: Hey, you brought Tyler a new ice cream cone.
J.D.: Sure.
Tyler: Thanks.
J.D.: It's a waffle cone.

J.D.: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Hold that thought, Newbie. One, two, three, four. My new thing is to count just exactly how many people in any given room can kick your ass. And in here, the number is four.
Carla: Five if you count Mrs. Cross. The other day, she went off her meds, slammed him with a cafeteria tray.
J.D.: She came out of nowhere!

Dr. Cox: Phyllis. Outside. What the hell was that in there?
[J.D. screams as he notices Mrs. Cross on the other side of a window]
J.D.: That's one more point for Mrs. Cross. But let's see how she enjoys her beloved hard candy without her choppers!

[Elliot reminisces about her best moment in medicine:]
Man: You know, thanks for taking care of me, ma'am. If there is ever any way that I can hook you up, you just call me at work.
Elliot: Don't worry about it. So, what do you do?
Man: Ah, I raise and breed ponies.
Elliot: Ponies!
[later, Elliot rides up the ramp of the hospital on a pony]
Elliot: Come on, Thunder. Can't be late for rounds again, let's go. Giddyup!

J.D.: Damn, his cultures are back, he's not septic.
Dr. Cox: Well, I'd start him on Dopamine.
J.D.: Already done.
Dr. Cox: Well, I'd scan his head.
J.D.: I already ordered it.
Dr. Cox: Well, I'd definitely give Mrs. Cross her teeth back.
J.D.: That I will not do! [holds Mrs. Cross's teeth on his necklace]

Carla: Hey, J.D. Turns out Mr. Milligan doesn't have insurance. Dr. Kelso said once he's stable we have to bounce him to County. Sorry.
J.D.: Turk, hey! If you go talk to Kelso for me, I'll give you this special Christmas gum.
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, this is actually Mrs. Cross's medicated denture gum? So you have to sell it with your eyes. Sell it.
Sell it.
Turk: Okay.

Nurse Roberts: Dr. Reid. Would you sign this for me, please?
Elliot: Sure! So, what are you doing this weekend, Laverne?
Nurse Roberts: Minding my own business. How about you?
Elliot: Hopefully lighting the crap out of Saint Martha's auditorium.
Nurse Roberts: Yippee.

Dr. Cox: Are you swanning this guy?
J.D.: Look, I really don't need you checking up on me every five seconds, okay? I'm a doctor, and I have as much medical expertise as anyone in this place. Now what exactly is swanning?
Dr. Cox: What?!
J.D.: I'm kidding. Enough of the backseat doctoring, I got this.