Moira: Let's go. I've had enough waking hours for one day.

[dream sequence:]
Moira: Oh, you guys are too kind. And now a special little sec- David, you can step aside now, dear.
Paul Shaffer: There he goes, David Rose.
Moira: And now, a special little secular something I'd like to dedicate to my husband, Mr. Johnny Rose!
Crowd: [chanting] Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

Moira: John? John, you're talking in your sleep again.
Johnny: Oh. What day is it?
Moira: Christmas Eve. Wake me when it's over.

Johnny: Well, that's exactly the point, Moira. We have to make new memories. We have to start looking forward, not backward. Now, you and I will get the tree. David, you're in charge of the decorations, 'cause I don't wanna hear I've made another mistake. Alexis, I trust you can handle the guest list?
Alexis: Oh, okay, re the guest list, um, unfortunately, Ted and I will be unable to attend.
Johnny: Why? Cancel your plans! Ted is certainly welcome here.
David: Okay, what about the gift situation then, because everything on my list requires pre-order.
Johnny: Okay, come on, let's get dressed, everybody. We're running out of time.
Moira: Look at you, Mr. Rose, seemingly possessed by the Christmas spirit.
Johnny: Ha, ha. That reminds me, somebody needs to find the menorah.

Patrick: David, we can have drinks literally any night. Christmas with your family sounds like fun.
David: Yeah, it was fun, like way, way, way back. We used to throw these lavish Christmas parties. I'm sure you read about them.
Patrick: I have not.
David: I see. Well they were big, and they were fun. And, ever since we moved here, we just sort of decided to fast forward through the holidays.

Stevie: Hello. Merry Christmas, Patrick!
Patrick: Merry Christmas, Stevie!
David: Do I not get a Merry Christmas, or..?
Stevie: I thought you were Jewish?
David: I'm a delightful half-half situation, which is why it's so annoying that my Dad thinks he can boss people around on a holiday that he technically has no authority over.

Ted: Well, I, I did get up at the Krak-ow dawn, so that Alexis could bake these cookies.
Alexis: Alexis didn't bake these cookies, though.
Ted: Yeah, no, I know, I just thought that we would say that you did, so that we could give you a leg-up with my friends.
Alexis: Why would I need a leg-up with your friends?
Ted: No, no reason. They are very excited to meet you. [Alexis chuckles] Just... It did take a bit of convincing, after the called-off engagement...s. But, they have all agreed to give you one last chance.
Alexis: What?
Ted: I shouldn't have said one last chance, I just meant like, one more final chance. I- I'm making this sound worse than it is. They- They're gonna love you.

Alexis: Wow, what if something came up and I couldn't come?
Ted: Yeah. What if I missed chest and back day? Rather not think about it. Wait did something come up?
Alexis: No, no. Not at all. Um, my Dad just had this last minute idea of, um, throwing a Christmas party tonight.
Ted: So something did come up? I-I had thought that you said that your family doesn't celebrate Christmas?
Alexis: Well, we don't, normally. I honestly don't know what he's thinking.
Ted: Okay, but I don't wanna keep you from your family.
Alexis: You're not. I do want to meet your cool, scary, judgy friends, and the last thing I wanna do is cause you any trouble. So, why don't you just double this cookie recipe, and we'll drop a batch off to my parents on our way?
Ted: O...kay, that's just 72 more cookies to make, then.

Moira: Looks like you're down to your last little saplings, Raymond.
Ray: Yes, so we're selling these for a special price.
Johnny: Ah, see, the Christmas spirit is all around us.
Ray: Oh, I'm sorry, by special, I meant higher price, because of demand.
Johnny: Well, that's all right. The tree's just a gesture. We don't need anything fancy.
Ray: Okay, well, these over there are $100 per gesture, or 2 gestures for $175.

Johnny: Moira, can I uh, see you in private, for a minute?
Ray: Please, take your time. Although uh, keep in mind, with our inventory dwindling, we're surge-pricing right now. [stands expectantly between Johnny and Moira until Johnny looks at him] Ah. [walks off]