Leslie Knope: I just don't get why the IOW would give that award to Ron.
Mark: Yeah, it's a bummer.
Leslie Knope: One, he's not a woman. And two, they mentioned the Camp Athena project in that letter. That's my project. I started that. It was my brainchild. Why would Ron start a camp for troubled girls?
Mark: He wouldn't?
Leslie Knope: Exactly. I deserve that award. That award is mine. Not his. It's mine.
Mark: You know what you should do?
Leslie Knope: I know, I already started a list. "Write an e-mail to Barack Obama." "Lock myself in my office and scream until I lose my voice." That's all I have so far.

Andy: The guitarist from my band is driving me crazy. He's such a control freak. "That's not a working fireplace, Andy." "Stop writing phone messages on the wall, Andy." "Dude, seriously, I love you but stop digging that weird hole in the backyard."
April: Is Mouse Rat gonna break up?
Andy: Well, we're not Mouse Rat anymore. We changed it to Tackleshaft. I should just get my own place.
April: You should. I'll help you.
Andy: You can help me?
April: Yeah, that'd be fun.
Andy: April, you're like an angel with no wings.
April: So, like, a person?

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] If you don't get credit for your work, why bother doing it? Because I love it! But I'm going to make a point!

Leslie Knope: Did you need me? Because some of us actually do work around here. Work that often goes unrewarded.
Ron Swanson: I need your opinion. Which of these objects most represents women for this portrait? A pot? Or this Deputy Director Barbie? Isn't it adorable? She's got a little briefcase, her cell phone. "I'm going to help my boss win an award."

Leslie Knope: How's the scheduling conflict with the soccer teams going? Take care of that, did you?
Ron Swanson: Nope. Passed the buck to Donna.
Leslie Knope: That's not really the attitude I'd expect from an award winner.
Ron Swanson: Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I've won an award.

Tom: Thank you all so much for joining me today. I have two questions for you. One, are you ready for the investment opportunity of a lifetime? And two, do any of you have pacemakers or a history of epilepsy?
Jerry: Yes, both.
Tom: Anybody? No?
Jerry: Both.

Ron Swanson: I'm just saying that awards are political, and everybody has an agenda. If you spend your life chasing them, you'll drive yourself nuts.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, all right. But Dorothy Everton Smythe was a trailblazing feminist. She was the first woman in Pawnee to wear pants on a Sunday. She spent four years in jail for that. I know I'm not supposed to care about these things, but this one means a lot.

Andy: [singing] I know you've been changing [talking] The acoustics in the bathroom are insane.
April: So, how much is this one again?
Realtor: This one is $425 a month, plus utilities.
Andy: I like it. It seems to have a lot of potential and a lot of "advantages," per se. I could definitely picture myself doing something over there. [turns gas off] Can you hear that? What is that?
Realtor: It's still on.
Andy: You can light a match to get rid of that smell.

Tom: Donna?
Donna: Maybe. I like The Snakehole. Plus, I would look good pulling into my owner's parking space in my Mercedes.
Tom: Just to be clear, you wouldn't be an owner, per se. You, me and my boy, Jean-Ralphio, would each own part of a share. Will that be cash or check?
Donna: Not so fast. I like to know who I'm in business with. I want to meet your boy.

Ron Swanson: Now do you see how silly these things are?
Leslie Knope: Unbelievable.
Ron Swanson: Obviously, I'm just gonna decline it.
Leslie Knope: No, I want you to accept it. I want you to go to the podium and talk about how stupid awards are. And how they are superficial and meaningless. I want you to rip awards a new a-hole!
Ron Swanson: Now we're talking. I tell you what. You write the speech. Don't pull your punches.
Leslie Knope: I won't. I'm gonna push my punches as far as my fists can extend!
Ron Swanson: Attagirl. Kind of.