Leslie Knope: I don't know about this.
Chris: Well, I'm offering you a free scan. It usually costs up to $2,000. I'm kind of spoiling you here.
Leslie Knope: Well, I am a little curious.
Chris: Good. Frankly, I don't want to invest in someone who only has three months to live.
Leslie Knope: [chuckles] Oh.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I'm treating this as an adventure. Who knows, maybe some day we'll tell our grandkids about how weird our first date was. And how creepy their grandfather was.

April: I want to be your assistant.
Ron Swanson: Really? You hate it here.
April: So do you. I'll make sure you don't have to go to any meetings. If anyone comes to see you, I'll scare them away.
Tom: Wait, April, if you had to choose between these two ties...
[April closes the door on Tom]
Ron Swanson: You're hired.
[aside to camera:]
April: I just figured I might as well get paid for being here.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I'm back on the horse, and this horse is a lawyer, so I'm looking forward to riding him. No, wait.

April: Where are you going?
Jerry: I want to talk to Ron about the size of my desk.
April: Jerry, you have to schedule an appointment.
Jerry: Okay. How about now?
April: Ron's not here.
Jerry: He's right there. I can see him.
April: I'll let you know when he's available.
Ron Swanson: Attagirl.

[After Ron smashes his cell phone:]
Tom: How do you know that was a member of the public and not just a friend?
Ron Swanson: Yeah, my friends know that I have a strict no call policy. Now get out there and find me an assistant.

Mark: What was that about?
Ann: I set Leslie up on a date. I don't think it's going that well.
Mark: Oh, no. With Justin?
Ann: Oh, no. This guy I know from the hospital.
Mark: Why wouldn't you set her up with Justin?
Ann: I don't really see them together. You know? Plus, Leslie just got out of a relationship, so I didn't want Justin to be, like, her rebound guy or anything, you know?
Mark: Yeah, that makes sense. Leslie is a notoriously cruel and thoughtless person.
Ann: Why are we talking about this?
Mark: We're not.

Ann: Oh, do you need a lawyer? Because my friend Justin's a lawyer. I'm sure he could help.
Leslie Knope: Oh, that'd be terrific.
Ann: Yeah, I'll call him. Justin's the greatest guy ever.
Mark: [chuckling] The greatest guy ever?
Tom: But does he dress... This well? Brooks Brothers. Bought it right off the mannequin.

Tom: Wow, 12:15! You're early today.
Jerry: April, there's no paper in the printer.
April: So?
Jerry: So that's the one thing you do.
April: Ugh.
Ron Swanson: Attention. April stop doing that.
April: Jerry told me to, so it's super crucial.

April: I come in, like, two hours late because I had to finish watching Swimfan... because it was on,
and everyone, like, jumped down my throat.
Andy: Oh, man.
April: I can't wait till my internship is over so I can get the hell out of here.

Ann: I left you three messages. Did you get them?
Leslie Knope: No, I've been running around all day. What's up?
Ann: I found the perfect guy to set you up with, but he's going out of town, so he can only do tonight, so I came over here right after work.
Leslie Knope: Is that his blood?
Ann: What? Oh, damn, now I have to go back.