Ann: You're 20 minutes late, I almost left.
Leslie Knope: Okay.
Ann: God!
Leslie Knope: Well, I was dropping my niece off.
Ann: What's your niece's name?
Leslie Knope: Torple. What? I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a niece. [Ann sighs] My niece's name is Stephanie.
Ann: Stop lying.
Leslie Knope: Hey, look. There's bread. You want some? Oh, no! I got flowers in your soup. I'm so sorry.
Ann: Oh come on!
Leslie Knope: Just... I have to go to the whiz palace. You know, Dave, the place where you... You know, the toilet thing. [runs off to the men's room] It's a bathroom! It's called a bathroom! [goes to the ladies' room]

Leslie Knope: Why would you say that, Dave? That dog was, like, my best friend. And when she died, it was one of...
Ann: Bring, bring, bring, bring, bring. [pretends to answer phone] Hey, Tiffany. Yeah, I definitely wanna see you tonight. No, I can't really talk right now, 'cause I'm on a date with this drip. Yeah, I can ask. Hey, do you wanna watch a porno after this with me and my wife?
Leslie Knope: No, Dave. 'Cause you're disgusting.
Ann: So, it's definitely a no?
Leslie Knope: I don't understand why you're being so terrible. We're just two people trying to go on a date. It's supposed to be fun. It's just a date.
Ann: You're right, it is. Well done. Sorry I had to get all medical on you. But now you see that even if everything goes wrong, you'll survive.
Leslie Knope: Well, well, well. You coy bastard.

Tom: You hate Ron, right?
Mark: No. I think Ron is fine.
Tom: So, we're on the same page. You gotta help me take this guy down. There's gotta be something on him.
Mark: Tom, I'm starting to feel kind of gross about this game.
Tom: It's not about the game anymore. Ron has some serious dirt on me. I need to balance things out. You must know how that feels, you got tons of dirt in your past. Please, you gotta help me.
Mark: There is a man named Duke Silver. He hangs out at a bar in Eagleton. He's an old friend of Ron's, maybe you should ask him.
Tom: Thanks, man. I'm gonna dig up so much dirt on this guy, there's gonna be worms all over the place. It sounded snappier in my head.
Mark: Yeah.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ann is so awesome. I'm lucky to have a friend who would spend a whole day being so mean to me.

Leslie Knope: [knocking] Help, police! Help! Help!
Dave Sanderson: Hey.
Leslie Knope: Look, I know today is today, and it's not tomorrow, but I felt like you should know that I'm awesome, and you're lucky to have me. And I think our first date tomorrow is gonna go awesome, off-the-charts amazing. Up top. [high five] All right, let's do this, bitch! I'm not scared. Can I come and sit down for a little bit? 'Cause I walked here, 'cause... the drinking.
Dave Sanderson: I don't know...
Leslie Knope: I do know. I'm coming inside. So, move, okay? You make a better door than a guy.

Leslie Knope: Ann was helping me because I was panicking about tomorrow.
Dave Sanderson: Well, did I say something to make you worry about...
Leslie Knope: No, no. Just the whole idea of first dates just kind of freak me out. But not anymore. I can't even believe that I was scared to go on a date with you. I mean, you should be scared of me.
Dave Sanderson: Okay.
Leslie Knope: I think I need to return this sweater. I think it fused with my shirt in the dryer or something.
Dave Sanderson: Okay, I think that's a sweater-shirt combo.
Leslie Knope: [to camera] I think it's going pretty well with Dave. He wants me. I can totally tell that he wants me.
Dave Sanderson: I'm right here. You know I'm here, right?

Ron Swanson: Look, Tom. I imagine you'll wanna tell everyone about this, but I have worked pretty hard to cultivate a certain authoritative, or intimidating image around the office...
Woman: Can I... Can I get a picture?
Ron Swanson: Sure.
Tom: Say, "I bested you!"
Woman: I bested you.
Ron Swanson: All right. Thanks for loving the Duke.
Woman: Thank you. Thank you.
Tom: That... That was a lovely photo.
Ron Swanson: Truce?
Tom: Truce.

Tom: You're kidding me.
Leslie Knope: No. I'm not.
Tom: You showed up at the guy's house in the middle of the night, drunk, and you didn't even sleep with him?
Leslie Knope: Should I have?
Tom: It never hurts.
Leslie Knope: God.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Well, we went on our first date, and I didn't even know it. A.K.A., I nailed it. No fires, no ambulances, just good old-fashioned showing up drunk at a guy's house late at night.

Tom: Jerry. Plastic surgery?
Jerry: I got hit by a fire engine.
April: You are so lucky.
Jerry: How?