Tom: Great work, team. Donna, you and your work are ravishing, as usual. Ann, great organizational skills.
Ann: Wow. Genuine praise.
Tom: It's a tip I picked up from Lee Iacocca's autobiography. A small connection between you and your workers helps build loyalty. Jerry! How's the old ticker?
Jerry: Oh. Well, uh, the rehab is grueling-
Tom: Great! Glad to hear it. Yo, Roomba, drop a beat! ["Heigh-Ho" from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs plays]
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Rent-A-Swag is gonna be the opposite of Entertainment720. This is my last chance. If this goes down in flames, I will have nothing except my looks. I could always pimp myself out to hot older ladies. I need to remember that.

Leslie Knope: May, 1817. A scrappy group of frontiersmen and women arrive at a hardscrabble chunk of land and call it Pawnee, Indiana.
Wreston St. James: We owe them a debt of gratitude.
Leslie Knope: Mm. June, 1817, the richest among them take all of their money from the bank and then flee up the hill like cowards to form Eagleton. Recognize any of your ancestors among the meanies?
Wreston St. James: Actually, like most people from the area, I have ancestors on both sides. That's why I think this rivalry is just a little silly and self-defeating.
Ben: Yeah, you may not know this, but Leslie was actually born in Eagleton.
Leslie Knope: Do not blame me for the sins of my mother.

Chris: I am just filled to the brim with questions. Why are you using this wood? Is it more pliable? What are these metal latches? Are they copper or brass? Is one better? And if so, why?
Ron Swanson: If I tell you, then you won't have learned anything.
Chris: [laughs] Another in a long line of lessons from the great Ron Swanson.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: My therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard, suggested that I try some non-exercise-based hobbies. So I've been studying woodworking with Ron. I made this. Before I started, it was bigger.

Ben: Were you listening to him when he was talking about serving the public and making our communities better? You know who he sounds like, right?
Leslie Knope: Yes. Idi Amin. Or Lord Voldemort.
Ben: No. You. Now, you've been very rude to him, and you need to apologize.
Leslie Knope: Ha ha ha. You are a laugh riot, Ben. I am never going to apologize to someone from Eagleton.

Tom: Attention, please. I've been going over the books, and I'm missing $9. Now, I'm not angry at whoever took it. Just come forward. You'll be served with a lawsuit, and we will move on with our lives.
Ann: Hey, buddy, let's go get some breakfast, okay?
Tom: Fine. It was your idea, so you're paying. You're driving. I'm not chipping in for gas.
Ann: Okay. All right.

Tom: I'll have the pancake breakfast. Oh, let me also get 12 eggs, uncooked, and some toast. 20 slices, untoasted, in a row in a bag.
JJ's Waiter: You want a carton of eggs and a loaf of bread.
Ann: Yeah, just the pancake breakfast is fine.
Tom: Don't offer to pay if you're gonna be cheap.

Ann: Listen, man, I know you don't want to repeat the mistakes of Entertainment 720, and that's great, but you're gonna need a little bit of the old Tom to make this business work.
Tom: No. That Tom ruined everything.
Ann: Yes, he did, and that Tom made you a horrible boyfriend and a terrible employee and drove you to bankruptcy.
Tom: Are we nearing the point?
Ann: But your swagger and your showmanship and your confidence is part of you, and in small doses, it can help. You can't have Rent-A-Swag without the swag.
Tom: I barely have enough cash to get everything set up.
Ann: I know. Take this. We all chipped in. Use it to spruce up the store. And in return you can give us like one share of stock in the company. Like a mini public offering.
Tom: "Smort", Ann. Smort. This is a cause for celebration. Waiter! Eight strips of bacon, uncooked, in a sealed package.

Wreston St. James: I call it the Pawnee Commons, a celebration of Pawnee's history and people.
Leslie Knope: A Wamapoke-themed playground... Food trucks from local restaurants, Li'l Sebastian fountain. I mean, it's perfect.
Wreston St. James: Thank you.
Leslie Knope: I can't see myself fighting you on more than 60% of these ideas.
Wreston St. James: I'd expect no less. I'm just glad you like it.
Leslie Knope: I've never met two people more passionate about their hometown.
Ben: Oh, I'm actually from Minnesota.
Wreston St. James: Why do you know so much about Pawnee?
Ben: Well, I'm in love with a woman from here. A strange, passionate, goof ball of a woman.
Leslie Knope: [giggles] Me. He's in love with me. [they kiss]

Tom: Welcome to the new new Rent-A-Swag now with 30% more swag. I used the money you guys gave me to add a little flair, and I took everything I own in my house and brought it here, except for my bed. I basically live here now.
Ron Swanson: I hate all of this, which probably means it's good for your business.
Chris: Ron, my woodworking project, it's for displaying shoes!
Ron Swanson: Yes. That was always the plan.
Tom: All right, Rent-A-Swag team, I have one more little surprise for you--pizza party! Part Two.
Ann: Oh, wow! Two pizzas. And toppings!
Tom: Only on half. I'm not Zuckerberg. Eat up, chumps.

Wreston St. James: As you can see, we like to keep things quite immaculate. I remember when Pawnee had that massive sewage overflow in Circle Park, whatever happened with that?
Leslie Knope: We totally fixed it.
Ben: Well, except for the smell. The scientists think it's going to linger for another 40 years.