Erica: This slogan is gonna go on every sign in town. I think it should be something real that we can all be proud of. I've lived in Pawnee my whole life and it could be a strange place, but overall it's a warm, and wonderful town. My idea for a slogan is, "When you're here, then you're home."
Jerry: Well, that's lovely.
Erica: I actually had it printed up so we can see what it would look like.
Leslie Knope: Oh, you-- Hm--there's--that's--that's spelled wrong. That should be "then", t-h-e-n.
Ben: Stay strong. Let them work it out. And trust Larry.
Leslie Knope: Trust Larry? Are you listening to yourself?
Brenda: I like that slogan a lot. But you made a little mistake there.
Ben: You see?
Leslie Knope: Back off.
Brenda: "You're" is spelled wrong. It should be "y-o-u-r."
Jerry: Oops, I didn't catch it. Thank you.
Leslie Knope: No, no, no, she made it possessive. She's getting further away.

Tom: Man, the places that came on the market today are way nicer than the listings we saw yesterday.
April: I know, crazy, right? Real estate.
Donna: This property is under your budget, and it's got everything on this wish list you gave me. Except the two helipads.
Tom: Does it have one helipad?

Councilman Howser: And special thanks to Leslie Knope for once again bringing about positive change to this town. Pawnee, I present to you, your new slogan. [soft applause]
Ben: You fixed the mistakes.
Leslie Knope: I held it together for the entire meeting. Let me have this one. I'm done micromanaging. I promise.
Ben: Then I'm sure you are okay with the fact that they installed the sign the wrong way and it's welcoming you to Pawnee as you're leaving.
Leslie Knope: What? No! Oh, son of a--

Craig: What's wrong with you? You look like Meryl Streep at the end of Ironweed. You wish.

Andy: Hey, you are from Eagleton, right? Are there any places out there I should check out?
Craig: I used to go see live shows at Patterson's. But I'm boycotting until the owner apologizes for what she said to me at the dog park.
Andy: Cool. Anything else?
Craig: I hear Cozy's Bar is pretty packed on Thursdays. But I've never been because it's mostly middle-aged women and I'm allergic to turkey neck.
Andy: Really? That's the best part. We should split a turkey sometime.

Leslie Knope: Okay, so people can vote now?
Ben: Yeah, see, that's the super cool thing about this website is it does all the work for us so we can just sit back and take it easy.
Leslie Knope: No. No, we're not gonna do that. We're gonna sit forward and take it hard.
Ben: Um, what?
Leslie Knope: There's a lot of nitty-gritty left to do, Ben. We need to roll up our sleeves, we need to go door to door, we need to hand out fliers, and canvass. You know what we should do? We should have a press junket, to publicize the poll. Okay, I hope you had lunch plans, 'cause now you get to cancel them.
Ben: Well, I-I did.

Crazy Ira: Crazy Ira and the Douche from 93.7 FM, the Groove. Leslie, do you believe that this new slogan will integrate Pawnee and Eagleton into one cohesive city?
Leslie Knope: Wow, that's a very thoughtful question, Crazy Ira. Yes, yes, I do.
The Douche: Follow-up question. Leslie, show us your boobs! [electronic farting noise]
Crazy Ira: Will this fit on a bumper sticker? [electronic fart]

Ben: Well, the good news is your poll was a big hit. Thousands of people voted.
Leslie Knope: That's great. What's leading? "Storied past, bright future"?
Ben: No. The current leader is "Pawnee, welcome to Douche nation."
Leslie Knope: What?
Ben: Crazy Ira and the Douche got their bonehead radio fans to flood the poll with write-in votes. Why did we include a write-in option?
Leslie Knope: Because every election has a write-in option. That's how democracy works. I'm not a dictator. If I we're a dictator, I would throw the Douche in prison without a trial. I would be a very strong dictator, and you would be my bodyguard, and you would lead my army.
Ben: Okay, I know we should figure out how to fix this. But I'm starting to get kind of turned on imagining you as a dictator, is that bad?
Leslie Knope: No, it's okay.

Ben: You know, we could just figure out a different strategy for picking a slogan. You don't have to go on their show.
Leslie Knope: No, I want to do this. I enjoy the challenge. So, how do I look? I need these guys to think that I'm, like, super chill.
Ben: Is this gonna work?
The Douche: Oh, what up, Lez? Backwards hat shows a real lack of respect for authority. I like that. What's up, little mayor? Are you gonna freak out again?

Crazy Ira: So, Leslie, what's the deal? Are you just here to yell at us again?
The Douche: Yeah, we are in store for another Leslie Knope nag sesh?
Woman's Voice: Crazy Ira, do the dishes!
Leslie Knope: [laughs] Classic! No way! I'm not here to nag, guys. I'm just psyched to be in the studio, you know? I'm just...chillin' in the studes with my dudes.
Crazy Ira: If you're really not really here to nag us, then maybe you'll help us with our next segment... [echoing] "Rating celebrities' boobs!"
Leslie Knope: Perfect.
The Douche: On a scale, from 1 to ga-ga-ga-going! How would you rate Emma Watson's boobs?
Leslie Knope: First of all, I would rate her acting as an "A."
The Douche: You have three seconds to answer or we're gonna withdraw a donation from charity.
Leslie Knope: From charity? Oh. [The Douche imitating clock] A minus.
Crazy Ira: More like double D minus. [farting sound; sexual moaning sounds]
Leslie Knope: I knew it. I knew it.