Ben: Hello, France! You guys enjoying that cheese? It's unpasteurized.
Andy: [groans] What's that mean?
Ben: Unpasteurized?
Andy: I don't care. I don't care.
Ben: Technically, it's illegal in this country. I smuggled it back from Paris.

Ben: Listen real quick. I have some super cool new rules...
Andy: Oh, nice.
Ben: That are also super mandatory.
Donna: Uh, we can't use Facebook anymore? Are you serious?
Ben: That's right. Massive time waster. Kills productivity. Hey, sanitation. Listen, let's talk health insurance. Your dependents don't have it anymore. Have some illegal cheese.

Jerry: Oh, what happened to our spirit dogs?
Leslie Knope: I came up with a way better game. Behold your spirit kangaroo. Tom, you are a blue flyer. So am I. So are you and Donna. And look at Ron. Look at Ron. I mean-- [chuckles] Doesn't Ron look exactly like a blue flyer? There aren't that many different types of kangaroos. Either way, hell of a game, right, guys?

Leslie Knope: Presentations are upon us, so, Tom, which step are you at in The Leslie Knope Project Preparedness Super System?
Tom: Yeah, once you got on the city council, we kinda stopped doin' that.
Leslie Knope: What? Tom, no, you cannot drop The Leslie Knope Project Preparedness Super System. It was developed over thousands of government presentations that I gave over the past ten years. It is my very soul.
Tom: Well, I have my own system. Step one: Chill out a bit. Step two: Get up there and rip it.
Leslie Knope: That's your plan? To--to rip it?
Ron Swanson: Leslie, this is Tom's project. Perhaps you should let him do things his way.
Leslie Knope: Sure, yeah, you should probably just rip it. I think that's better than going with a tried and true 80-step system that led to-- and I quote-- "The most thorough and, dare we say, at times, over-prepared presentation that we've seen." And yeah, that quote came from the Indiana Blue Ribbon Panel on Irrigation and Drainage.
Tom: Fine, I'll go back to your system. You're the big dog around here.
Leslie Knope: Big kangaroo. And thank you.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Well, yeah, I was gone for a while and things are a little different around here, but this is still my house. I invented this parks game, son. [laughs; trips] Oh. Damn it! When did they put a lamp here?

Ben: Hey. The boys in blue? [chuckles] Ah, what can I do for you... for?
Officer Killnose: We got a tip about some food entering the country illegally.
Ben: No--no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Thi--it's just cheese, guys. Uh, I got it in France.
Officer Killnose: Okay. Did you declare it on your customs form when you reentered the country?
Officer Merfll: We're gonna need you to come down to the station.
Ben: I'm sure that's not necessary. Let's just-- this is really good cheese. You should try some.
Officer Killnose: Are you trying to bribe us?
Ben: No! Oh, God. I surrender.

Ted: Hi, folks. When's the big day? I assume this is a, you know... [mimics shotgun loading]
Chris: Oh. No. This isn't a shotgun wedding, although, yes, she is pregnant, and, yes, we did just decide to get married today.
Ann: We haven't told our families or chosen a venue, but it's not a shotgun wedding.

Ann: That sounds elaborate. All we did was punch "jewelry store" into our car GPS. You remember that romantic moment, Chris?
Chris: I was getting gas. No, I don't remember it.

Leslie Knope: Look, it seems like you don't even care about your presentation.
Tom: Au contraire. I'm working on it right now. And what's the most important part of a presentation?
Leslie Knope: Content.
Tom: The presentation.
Leslie Knope: Okay. Tom, you need hard data. You need facts to make your case. And then you need two funny quotes and an inspirational one. You know, a classic ha-ha-hmm.
Tom: Look, I think you need to take a page out of my system and chill out a bit, okay? I got this.
Leslie Knope: Okay, fine, I trust you. But I think you're gonna fail, and you're a ticking time bomb.
Tom: What's that?
Leslie Knope: Nothing, good luck.

Officer Killnose: We've got a couple of customs agents coming down from the border, and they are not happy.
Ben: I can't believe this. I never break the law. I've never even jaywalked.
Officer Killnose: Never?
Ben: I mean, I-I-I-- everyone does it sometimes.
Officer Killnose: Just add that to the charges. Well, well, well, we got a hit on your prints. Seems you're wanted for tax fraud in Colorado?
Ben: What? I've never even been to Colorado. I mean, I had a layover in Denver once.
Officer Killnose: Man, you can't keep your story straight, can you?
Ben: Come on!