Mitch Savner: Seems like things are a little chaotic.
Tom: No, no, everything is perfect. This is April. She's gonna be taking care of you tonight.
April: Hello, welcome to Tommy's Bistro. Today we have spaghetti, linguine, fettuccini, ravioli, rigatoni, bucatini, lasagna.
Mitch Savner: Could you repeat that?
April: Spaghetti, linguine, fettuccini, ravioli, rigatoni, Ferrari, Lamborghini, bucatini, lasagna.
Mitch Savner: Can I see a menu?
April: We had to throw our menus away because they are covered with pictures of Larry's dog rectum.
Jerry: Great news. Lord Sheldon's gonna make it. Yeah, just have to apply a salve to his anus every hour for the rest of his life, but... Oh, enjoy your meal.

Andy: Last chance, Ron. The slots are finalized, but I can squeeze in ten minutes if a certain mister... [whispering] Duke Silver wanted to come out. Come on, Ron, it's gonna be so fun.
Ron Swanson: Thank you, Andrew, but fun or not, playing music is something I like to keep private, along with my family, my conversations, and my whereabouts at all times.

Tom: We have ten tables booked for the soft opening. It's all friends and family, so hopefully they'll go easy on us. How's it looking, Ron? Maybe speed it up a little?
Ron Swanson: This is not government work. As such, I treat it with care and attention.
Tom: Okay, but also, go faster.

Leslie Knope: Well, that is a gorgeous view.
Ben: Yes, it is. But don't look at that. Look at this. You've been thinking about this job in the abstract. Focus on what it actually means. We're standing in a national park that stretches 50 miles. That's the Presidio over there. It's a national park. So is Alcatraz, and so are the redwoods we just walked through, by the way. You take this job, places like this will be your office.
Leslie Knope: Well, that is a compelling point.
Ben: When we got back from London, you said... that it's a very big world and you've seen very little of it. This is your chance, honey. This whole region... Mount Rushmore, the Badlands, the Ozarks, Abe Lincoln's childhood home... you would be in charge of all of it. Your job would be to preserve the most beautiful places on earth so millions of people could enjoy them. And those places, the greatest treasures America has to offer, will all have signs with your name... right there.
Leslie Knope: [on the phone] Hi, Grant. I want the job. I have a lot of questions, but I'm a little amped up right now, so I'll probably just hang up. It might be for the best. But, anyway, I love you. No, I don't. I'm sorry. That was weird. Okay, bye. Oh, this is Lester Kanopf. No, you know who it... Okay, bye.
Ben: Smoothly handled, Lester.
Leslie Knope: I panicked. We should go. We have a lot of stuff to do... and the meter's still running on that cab, so chop-chop.

Jerry: I got the menus.
Tom: Great. [chuckles] Larry, what the hell? What are these pictures?
Jerry: Aw, jeez, I must have given the printer the wrong flash drive.
Tom: What is this, a rotten grapefruit?
Jerry: No, it's my dog's rectum. Lord Sheldon has a growth, so we're sending pictures over to the vet. But I guess this isn't good for menus, is it?
Tom: Larry, Larry, Larry, listen to me. This is the worst thing you've ever done. I need you to take all of these dog-butt pictures and burn them in the pizza oven. April, you list all the menu items from memory. It'll be classier anyway.

Tom: [aside to camera] My restaurant opens in six weeks, and I'm making sure I get every detail right. This is the hardest I've worked on anything since... Wow. I've never worked hard on anything. What a cool life!

Ron Swanson: So you screwed up a little. You tried to shoot the moon, and you came up short. That doesn't mean it's over.
Tom: My main investor pulled out. Any dollar I spend from now on is my own. And despite what my pocket square says, I'm not a billionaire. So I quit. Just go home, Ron.
Ron Swanson: I'm not done with the chairs yet. It is my belief that you never start a job you don't intend to finish.
Tom: Really? I love quitting. When I was a kid and things didn't go my way, I would just take my ball and go home. That's better than winning, 'cause then your friends can't play anymore.

Tom: Ron! What was wrong with that one?
Ron Swanson: It was too perfect. It looked machine-made.

Andy: Whoa, Alcatraz. Can't believe Michael Bay spent a billion dollars of his own money to build that for The Rock.
Ben: I can't believe you were able to recite that entire movie from memory on the plane ride.
Andy: You weren't trying to sleep, were you? I couldn't tell, 'cause you had that mask thing over your eyes.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] This may be the craziest week of my entire life. I am six days away from the start of the Unity concert. I am pregnant with triplets. I am trying to decide if I should take a job that will move me away from Pawnee, and I am speaking at the National Parks conference in San Francisco. It is gonna be so much fun. Michelle Obama is the keynote speaker, and you know what they say, "What happens at a national parks conference... is compiled and emailed to you in a PDF the following Monday."