Leslie Knope: Well, maybe we should get out of this hot tub.
Tom: I'm too sad to get out. And I'm all pruney.
Leslie Knope: What happened?
Tom: I don't know. I guess I just didn't moisturize enough this morning, and I've been laying around--
Leslie Knope: With the company.
Tom: We're hemorrhaging cash ever since we opened. They say you've got to spend money to make money. Well, I don't know where we went wrong. We spent all of our money.

Andy: Hey, Ron. Good to see you. Weren't you a pirate last year?
Ron Swanson: Yes. This is my Halloween costume. Andrew, are you aware that your bathroom faucet is leaking?
Andy: Are you kidding me? I just stuffed a sock in it yesterday. What else do they want me to do?
Ron Swanson: There's an exposed wire above the bathtub as well.
Andy: Oh, yeah, shockwire! I call it that 'cause if you take a shower and you touch the wire... You die!
Ron Swanson: Yes, that is accurate. Do you have a toolbox?
Andy: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's. A hammer. Half of a pretzel. Baseball card. Some cartridge that says "Sonic" and "Hedgehog." A scissor half. And a flashlight... Filled with jellybeans.

Leslie Knope: Although I've not worked with you professionally, as a private citizen, I have personally patronized each and every one of your establishments.
Tania: Mm, I've never seen you buy a salad at Sue's Salads.
Leslie Knope: That's 'cause I don't hate myself, Tanya. I'm sorry. I know I should be chasing your vote, but I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things. And I think I have a lot of support in the community for that.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Despite the fact that this seems like a party for Tom's face, uh, I think it's going pretty well. When in doubt, in Pawnee, slam salad.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Look, I don't like to throw around the word "butthead" too often. If you call everybody a butthead, then it kind of loses its impact. But I can say without hesitation that Tom is being a real dick.

April: [aside to camera] I have one sister. We steal each other's stuff, hack each other's Twitter accounts, set each other's clothes on fire. There are no rules.

Leslie Knope: Wow, I thought you guys were doing great. I remember trying to hire you once. And you said you were all booked up.
Tom: That was a business tactic. For the first two weeks, we told everyone we were booked solid to make people want us more.
Leslie Knope: Oh, no, that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
Tom: Well, hindsight is 20/20.
Leslie Knope: Kind of seems like regular sight should have caught that one. Also, your logo, it's the worst logo I've ever seen. It doesn't make any sense. It's gibberish.

Ron Swanson: Listen up! I have to turn off the power for one minute.
Ann: We're gonna go dark, people. Bear with us, okay? We gotta switch off the main fuse hose.
Ron Swanson: It's just a fuse.
Ann: It's just a fuse...People. Just a fuse.

Ben: [aside to camera] My family is very non-confrontational. My parents' method of problem-solving is to kind of keep everything bottled up and just subtly hint at what's bothering them. And after 36 years, they are still... divorced.

Leslie Knope: Tom, tell Martin how hard I worked on the Harvest Festival.
Tom: It was incredible. A lot of people say the Harvest Festival is what launched Entertainment 7Twenty.
Leslie Knope: No one says that.
Tom: I just said it. My company, Entertainment 7Twenty, has an amazing business opportunity for Kernston's. Mind if I steal you away for a few seconds? Give you the 'tails?
Martin Kernston: The 'tails?
Tom: The details. Most people would probably say "the deets." I say "the 'tails." Just one example of innovation.

Ron Swanson: Looks like you've got the handle on that torque wrench.
Ann: Yeah, well, the flange was a little warped. So I just goosed it with a triple three bolt smack.
Ron Swanson: That was nonsense.
Ann: I know, but it's so fun to talk like that.
Ron Swanson: You know what? [hands Ann toolbox] Keep this. You earned it.
Ann: Thanks, Ron.