Ron Swanson: Hello, Carl. My fiancee and I would like to get married right now, right here.
Carl: Haven't I done a quickie wedding for you before?
Ron Swanson: It's certainly possible, but this one's going to stick.
Ethel Beavers: I need your full names for the license.
Ron Swanson: Ronald Ulysses Swanson.
Diane: Diane Tammy Lewis.
Ron Swanson: Tammy? Your middle name is--
Diane: Just kidding, it's Elizabeth.
Ron Swanson: Let's go, Carl.
Leslie Knope: Hey, hey. Let's pump the brakes, Carl, okay?
Ron Swanson: Belay that order, Carl. Shortest possible ceremony. I'm tired of not being married to this woman.

Leslie Knope: Carl, just one second. I would just like to give a short speech, if I may.
Ron Swanson: You have ten seconds.
Leslie Knope: [sighs] At first glance, it may seem as though Ron Swanson and I have nothing in common, but Webster's dictionary defines "friend--"
Ron Swanson: Time.
Leslie Knope: It's--ugh!
Ron Swanson: Thank you, Leslie. I could tell where you were going with that, and it was gonna be beautiful.

Ron Swanson: Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] The people who want to boot me from office have been viciously attacking me for weeks. Last week, I was an answer in the Pawnee Journal's Crossword Puzzle. The clue: "Who's the worst," but you know what? We're fighting back. I've broken my defense initiative into 40 phases. We are currently in phase 26: "No problem too small." Anyone can come to me any time with any problem, no matter how petty or small, and I will fix it personally, and let me tell you, some of these complaints are pretty damn petty and small.

Leslie Knope: I have to come up with some solution for this slug problem.
Chris: Someone has a slug infestation? Boy, oh, boy, we live interesting lives, filled with unexpected challenges. Life is precious, and every day is a miracle. Okay.
Ann: What a freak.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Things with me and Chris are going really well. We spend every day together, and we're having so much fun. And check this out. Oh, no, there's no ring. We just had manicures together recently. Sorry, that was misleading.

Jean-Ralphio: Tommy Pickles! You see there's a better version of your store across the street? And those guys are giving out free pizza with "papperonas."
Tom: I know, man. That's my competition. They're trying to put me out of business, and it's working. Three weeks ago, this place was hopping. My clothes were flying off the rack. I was spreading swag around town like a killer swag virus. Now, look at this place. It's dead!

[to camera, in front of Big Ben:]
Ron Swanson: Look, a clock. We don't have that in America.
[to camera, in front of The Tower of London:]
Ron Swanson: You call that a tower? Try the Sears Tower, friend.

Ann: What the hell are you doing?
Tom: What am I doing? What are you doing here?
Ann: Dr. Saperstein is giving me a sonogram, in his doctor's office, for women, because I'm pregnant!
Tom: Oh, my God. You're Jean-Ralphio's dad!
Dr. Saperstein: Mm-hmm.
Tom: You're the one that's trying to put me out of business!
Dr. Saperstein: Well, look at that, Mr. Haverford. You tracked me down. Looks like your detective skills are a lot better than your tween, high-end fashion rental skills.
Tom: Ann, Chris, can we have the room, please?
Chris: No, you certainly cannot.

Tom: Dr. Saperstein, why are you doing this? What did I ever do to you?
Dr. Saperstein: You know exactly why I'm doing this. You destroyed my family. First, you screwed my son out of your business, and then you stole my daughter's virginity. [long period of laughter] Wait, you're serious?
Dr. Saperstein: Deadly serious. According to my daughter, you broke her heart. Then you smashed up her BMW. I had to buy her a new one, so she could drive to Divinity School. Let me tell you something, mister. You attack a Saperstein, you face my wrath. Be so sure about this, Tiny Tom, that I will crush you like the bug you are... [heart beating; gasps] And there it is, the heartbeat. Everything sounds perfect.
Ann: Ohh.
Chris: This is the moment we were dreaming of: you and me and our baby. And Tom and his weird feud with our doctor.

Leslie Knope: "So I long for a day when women in government will simply be seen as people in government, but until then, I will work to make Pawnee, my wonderful hometown, as good as it can be." What do you think?
April: I think you should lose the first line and the last line and all of the other lines, and instead, just walk up to the mic and meow really loudly for eight minutes.