Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.

Ranger Patrick: Hey, Ron. You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?
Ron Swanson: Not to worry. I have a permit.
Ranger Patrick: This just says, "I can do what I want."
Ron Swanson: I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
Ranger Patrick: It's not a Parks thing. It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff. Let's go, Tom. No, pig Tom. [Donna laughs]

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense. Unfortunately, every single word out of their mouths was a lie. There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.

Tom: Ann, what the hell?
Ann: [laughs] I put glitter in all your moisturizers and lotions. I'm calling it "Sparkle Skin", by Annie. Twinkle, twinkle, big star.
Tom: Ann! That is an amazing idea, and I will buy it from you, but never do that again. That was really expensive moisturizer.
Ann: Yeah, well, you ruined all of my clothes.
Tom: Well, then, I did you a huge favor, 'cause they stink.

Donna: [on the phone] I guess we can make a switch to Bermuda grass. It's only 80 cents more per square foot?
Craig: What? Gimme gimme gimme. [takes phone] You want me to put Bermuda grass in a continental climate that's a six on Beaufort scale? In a park with zero drainage? I want Kentucky bluegrass, I want a 10 percent discount, and I want you to apologize to my best friend Donna! [hands phone back]
Donna: Yeah, hi. Is there - and I'm just guessing here - some kind of medication that you maybe need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too much of today?
Craig: Oh, I have a medical condition all right. It's called caring too much! And it's incurable! Also I have eczema.

Tom: I don't want to be a failure again, Ron.
Ron Swanson: There's no shame in failure if you gave it an honest effort.
Tom: Easy for you to say. People are dying to give you money for your business, and you didn't even take it.
Ron Swanson: I didn't sell my chairs to that website because I value my name. The only thing that's important at the end of the day is what's on your gravestone... Your name.
Tom: My gravestone's gonna be a 60-inch touchscreen with a hologram of four mes singing End of the Road by Boyz II Men... But point taken.