April: [coughs]
Ron Swanson: Here. I didn't know what to bring you, so I just got some magazines and lipstick... Woman stuff.
April: Thanks. All my parents got me was that. [points to giant bear]

Ann: 104.1. Leslie, you're dehydrated. I'm admitting you.
Leslie Knope: If I was sick, could I do this?
Ann: What are you doing?
Leslie Knope: Cartwheels. Am I not doing them?
Ann: No.

Tom: Would you rather live in the pocket of a giant kangaroo or have a pocket on your own stomach that has a tiny kangaroo in it all the time? Preston.
Preston: Tiny kangaroo in my stomach pocket.
Tom: Forgot to mention, the tiny kangaroo is a racist. [laughter]

Chris: I vomited somewhere in this room. I don't remember where, though. Wait. You might want to check that drawer.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Well, I'm organizing this huge harvest festival, and I need at least 80 local businesses to participate. And normally, this is the kind of thing I would love to do, but I'm just feeling really tired. I think maybe my allergies are acting up. I've already vomited, like, five times today.

Leslie Knope: We're having a meeting tonight at the Chamber of Commerce, and we're gonna go over all the details, and we'd just love if you could come and join us.
JJ: Sure, anything for my favorite customer.
Leslie Knope: [chuckles] I bet you say that to all the girls.
JJ: Oh, no, no. Actually, you're my favorite. You spent over $1,000 last year on waffles alone.

Leslie Knope: Fine, I'm coming in.
Tom: Donna, barricade the door, now!
Leslie Knope: Donna, come on, just let me in.
Donna: Un-uh.
Tom: Either go home, or go back into quarantine.
Leslie Knope: I'm not going home.
Jerry: Get out of here, Leslie. Go home.
Donna: Hit the bricks.
[Leslie starts licking stuff around the office]
Jerry: Oh, come on. No, no, no, no, no. She's germing up all my stuff. Aw, yuck. Leslie!

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I need to find someone to fill in for April. Now, I know I'm not gonna find someone who's both aggressively mean and apathetic. April really is the whole package. But I think I might know someone who will be just as ineffective.

Tom: The worst thing you can do with an important presentation like this is over-prepare.
Ben: Well...
Tom: So, I think it's best if I go to the spa.
Ben: No, we promised Leslie we'd prep for the meeting.
Tom: No, Ben, you promised Leslie. See, I never promise Leslie anything. That way, I never disappoint her. I try to be considerate. Well, I am off for a soak and a schvitz. "Arrivederch."

Ann: Hey, have you seen Leslie?
Chris: I had a dream that she came into this room, stole my flu medicine, told me not to tell you, and then disappeared through that hole in the wall.
Ann: The door?