Chris: Hey, Ann.
Ann: What happened? I just saw you a few hours ago, and you were fine. Not like, "Damn, you're fine," but fine health-wise.
Chris: My body has no fat to protect itself from disease. Things happen very quickly. Listen to me. It's very important that you replenish my body with electrolytes after every involuntary loss of bodily fluids.
Ann: Oh, boy.
Chris: My body tends to lose a lot of fluids when it's sick. My brain is on fire. I'm dying.
Ann: Mm. Well, you definitely have the flu.
Chris: Oh, my God. The microchip has been compromised.

Ben: I'm sorry. Are you leaving? I thought we had a meeting.
Leslie Knope: No, we do. It's just I think it's a little chilly in here.
Ben: Are you okay? Your eyes are glassy.
Chris: Oh, my God. Oh, my... Is she... Is she sick? Are you sick?
Tom: [wearing motorcycle helmet] No. Yeah, she's sick. That's why I'm wearing this and misting myself with hand sanitizer.

Ann: [aside to camera] There is a crazy flu going around. Lots of miserable dehydrated people with high fevers and diarrhea. And one of those dehydrated, high-fevered miserable people is April... Who hates me.

Leslie Knope: [on conference call] So we've developed a revenue-sharing formula that will hopefully appeal to most business owners.
Tom: Leslie! Go home. You're sick.
Leslie Knope: I'm not sick. It's just allergies. Come on, guys. Just let me in there.
Donna: No.
Jerry: You can't come in here.
Tom: You're not coming in.
Jerry: Leslie, you look tired, and you're all sweaty.
Leslie Knope: You look tired, and you're all sweaty all the time. What's your excuse? You want to go there, Jerry?
Jerry: No.

Ann: [aside to camera] We've been on a couple of dates. I really like him. The problem is, he's like a perfect human man. I can't find one flaw. There was one time I thought he farted. But it was me.

Ben: Look, don't worry. I've done presentations like this before, and Tom will be with me. So you're in good hands.
[aside to camera from a hospital bed:]
Leslie Knope: It's not that I don't trust Ben. It's that I don't have faith in Ben. And also, I'm starting to forget who Ben is.

Tom: All right. Now, what superpower would you rather have? Would you rather be able to fly or be invisible? Ed, go first.
Ed: Uh, fly, I guess.
Tom: I forgot to tell you. You can only fly five feet above the ground. [laughter]
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I bring a certain panache and spice to the spa experience for these guys. Before I joined, they were just three old white dudes quietly boiling in hot water.

Ben: Leslie, go home.
Leslie Knope: No, I can't. I can't go home. I have to get ready for the Chamber of Secrets.
Ben: Commerce.

Leslie Knope: [to the poster] Good evening, everyone. I'm Leslie Monster. And this is Nightline.

April: [device beeping] I want another nurse.
Ann: Well, there are none. We're stretched pretty thin right now.
April: Then I want a janitor. They can do what you do, right?
Ann: Yep, nurses and janitors are totally interchangeable.
April: Except no one dresses up like a janitor when they want to be slutty.
Ann: I get the sense that maybe you're angry at me for kissing Andy...
April: No, I'm not. What are you talking about? That's crazy.
Ann: And that you think it might be fun to take it out on me. Please don't do that.
April: "Do"? I can't do anything. I'm sick. [device beeping] My blankets are on the floor.