Ron Swanson: Hunting. No quarters required.
Donna: Hang on. Do you have a license to hunt at night? 'Cause you need a license. [both laugh]
Ron Swanson: I thought you were serious.
Donna: Come on now. You know I don't give a [bleep].

Andy: I can't go back to London. I'm totally in over my head on this project. Every day, someone comes up to me and says, "I need your approval on this, Mr. Dwyer." "I need your signature, Mr. Dwyer." "That's not a toilet, Mr. Dwyer."
April: But you said everything was going awesome. You said you were like Chuck Norris.
Andy: I am, but I'm like Chuck Norris now. Some old guy with a beard who used to be good at karate but became a dumb has-been and is scared and confused about his big London job.
April: Okay.
Andy: The parallels between he and I are very eerie.

Tom: Ann, I need that bear. I got to give Nadia something awesome so she'll remember me when she's in Africa.
Ann: Tom, bear or no bear, she clearly likes you. Actually, how do you even get girls like her - or me - to go out with you?
Tom: Scientists say the emotions of love and hate are very close to each other. That's what I tell women.

April: Hey, Ann, Ann called. She wants her ugly outfit back.
Ann: Why are you dressed as a pilgrim?
April: Leslie said it was a "Come As You Were in the '90s" party. I assumed it was the 1690s.
Andy: Babe, if it was the 1690s, we'd all be mummies.
Ann: What do you think mummies are?
Andy: Skeletons?
Ann: Oh, boy.

Jerry: Are you getting ready for your nightly Skype date with Andy in London? You look lovely.
April: I'm going to murder you a thousand times.
Jerry: Okay.

Councilman Howser: Next order of business, Councilman Jamm proposes Bill 949-c.
Councilman Jamm: That's right, stretch, and looking mighty fly in that suit, brother. Okay, this excellent bill only allows someone to vote in a Pawnee election, for example, the upcoming recall election, if their I.D. lists an official Pawnee address.
Leslie Knope: Really, councilman? Again?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The recall election is coming up, and Jamm keeps trying to figure out ways to screw me over. Last week, he tried to have me listed on the ballot as "Leslie Buttface Hitler the Fourth."

Leslie Knope: All you're trying to do is disenfranchise the people from former Eagleton, people who will most likely vote for me because I saved a lot of their jobs. I move that we table the discussion until after the election.
Councilman Howser: Second.
Leslie Knope: Thank you! [knocks Councilman Howser's coffee]
Councilman Howser: Ah!
Leslie Knope: [gasps] I'm so sorry. I just get excited when you like me.

Leslie Knope: I put my career on the line by saving Eagleton, and he's trying to rob me of their votes? Those are my votes. I've earned them! I want them! Give me those votes!
Ben: I don't have them on me.
Leslie Knope: I can't believe Jamm tried to pull that crap.
Ben: I can. He's a horrible monster.

Tom: I can't believe we met just before you have to go on your stupid vacation.
Nadia: I'm doing doctors without borders, man. I'm going to Rwanda.
Tom: Exactly. That's a stupid vacation.
Nadia: Okay, well, why don't you win me that huge-ass bear as a going-away present?
Tom: No problem. I'm a skee ball master.
Nadia: No way! Why don't you go pro?
Tom: I don't know. I didn't want to be a cliche. Yet another professional Indian skee ball player?
Nadia: [laughs] Right.

April: Whoa! Watch this.
Andy: Oh, that was brilliant. Sorry. You probably don't know what that means. You know how you Americans say "cool" when something's cool? Over in London, we say, "That's brilliant."
April: Speaking of London, you haven't told me anything about work. You still love it?
Andy: Yeah, it's awesome. I'm kicking ass. I'm like Chuck Norris, only instead of crushing bad guys' skulls, I'm crushing documents.
April: That's great.
Andy: Yeah.
April: Now be the Chuck Norris of making out with me.
Andy: I'll karate punch your face with my tongue.
April: Prove it.
Andy: Hi-yah.