Man: Excuse me. I had a meeting with Ron Swanson yesterday, but I had a little car trouble.
April: Sorry, he's busy right now.
Man: Oh. Uh, well. Well, can I reschedule?
April: Sure. Hmm. How about June 50th?
Man: Sorry?
April: Do you think you could come back today at 2:65? He's available then.
Man: What is going on?
April: Looks like the only other day he has open is March-tember one-teenth. Does that work, sir? [phone rings; April hangs up]

Tom: Jessica Wicks! Hey, boo. Are you aging in reverse 'cause you look barely legal?
Jessica Wicks: Tom Haverford. If you're not the most charming man in Indiana.
Tom: And this must be the luckiest man in Indiana. Sir, it is an honor to meet you. [holds hand out; awkwardly hugs Nick Newport, Sr.] Come here, you.
Nick Newport, Sr.: Tell me straight. Are you a Chinese?
Tom: No. I'm one of the Indian people.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: That floppy old bag of money is gonna be dead in, like, a month. And who's going to comfort Jessica and her millions of dollars? Yeah, Jessica's a gold digger, but I'm a gold digger digger.

Ann: Now, I have to tell you, I don't actually work in the Parks Department. I'm a nurse.
Man: Seriously? That's great news. I have the weirdest thing on my arm. Can you see this?
Ann: [to camera] Every time.

April: Hey. Brought you coffee. Help you get through the day.
Andy: Thanks, dude.
April: No problem, lady. [Andy drinks the coffee] I'm gonna go. Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: April is the best. But she's 20. When April was born, I was already in 3rd grade. Which means if we were friends back then, I'd have been hanging out with a baby. I don't know anything about infant care. My God, I could've killed her.

Woman: There's no way this ordinance goes through. There's too much red tape.
April: Mm. This gridlock drives me nuts.
Woman: Tell me about it.
April: Yeah, I think you're gonna have to make an end run, you know? Go right to the commissioner on this one.
Woman: You know what, I hadn't thought of that. That is a really great idea.
April: Yeah?
Woman: I'm gonna do that.
April: Okay. Your last resort is probably gonna be city council.
Woman: Good luck there. [chuckles]
April: Yeah, my thoughts exactly.
[aside to camera:]
April: I have no idea what I was saying.

April: Hey. Good morning.
Ron Swanson: Why are there six people outside who say they're waiting to meet with me?
April: So you know how you love me because you haven't had a single meeting with anyone since I became your assistant? That's because every time someone calls and requests a meeting with you, I always schedule it for March 31st.
Ron Swanson: Why?
April: Because I didn't think March 31st existed. [sings] 30 days has September, April, March, and November
Ron Swanson: June and November. Today is March 31st.
April: I know.

Man: I thought I was having this meeting with Ron Swanson.
April: I'm afraid that Ron Swanson's currently dead.
Man: Oh.
April: I'm his daughter. April Swanson. And it's his last wish that I have this meeting with you.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] History is important. You just can't go around changing everything all the time or else next thing you know they'll be painting the White House... Not white. I'm so angry, I can't think of another color. Green.

Woman: There are eight swings at Ramsett Park and every single one of them is broken. Can you please just fix one of them?
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Ron told me I can't say yes to anything. But it's such a reasonable request, I can't just say no.
[back:]
Andy: [crackling exhale]
Woman: So that's a "yes"?
Andy: [warbling tone]
Woman: Just say out loud "yes" or "no".
Andy: Eeeeeee-boop!

April: Why are you here?
Ron Swanson: Come back to work.
April: No.
Ron Swanson: Come back. I want you to come back.
April: Well, I don't want to come back. The end.
Ron Swanson: I was talking to Andy about you. And he made me realize that I need you back at work.
April: What did he say?
Ron Swanson: Don't recall.
April: Fine. I'll come back.
Ron Swanson: Good. Okay. I'm leaving. Bye, Zuzu. [opens door]
April: Bye, Duke Silver. [Ron closes the door] My mom has all your albums. I recognized you the day we met.
Ron Swanson: Have you told anyone?
April: No.
Ron Swanson: Good girl.