Cece: You know, you don't deserve to be treated like that. You just got to tell her no. Otherwise, all she'll do is see you as a pretty face and a hot body.
Schmidt: I'm sorry, what was that?
Cece: You have a pretty face.
Schmidt: No, no, no, 'cause the second part. And I'd like you to say it, like, in an accent, but make direct eye contact.
Cece: Yes, Schmidt, do not push your luck with me
Schmidt: What's that smell?
Cece: That's your perfume.
Schmidt: You wore it?
Cece: Yeah, and it smells terrible.
Schmidt: Ha! It does smell terrible. It's like a dirty dish towel.

Jess: Paul, I really care about you. I think I just... I think I just feel really overwhelmed.
Paul: Yeah. Yeah, I know, Nicholas told m...
Nick: Damn it. Hey, guys, just pretend I'm not here, and just do whatever you two guys are doing. I'm not here. I'm not even listening. This is my nightmare.

Nick: [phone ringing] I am so sorry. This is as rude as it gets. It is my mom, though. I... [answers phone] Hey, Ma. How you doing? I can't talk right now. I'm in a real weird situation. No, Ma, I'm not high... I'm done with that phase. I promise you I won't miss my flight. Okay. I love you, Mama. Bye.

Schmidt: All right, everybody leave the room. I need to talk to Kim. Okay, you know what? Actually, stay... this'll be good for you guys to hear this, too. [the other women start to leave] Why d... Don't... Come on. I just told... There are two hours left in this party.
Kim: What are you doing, Santa?
Schmidt: Kim, I'm not gonna be Sexy Santa anymore. It's over. Santa's dead. I killed him.
[Elvin screams]
Schmidt: Oh, my God.
Kim: No, no, no, don't worry, that's just Gina's cowardly son. He is a scream machine.

Kim: I can't believe it took you five years to say that. Well, I guess I'm gonna have to be Sexy Santa next year.
Schmidt: Yeah, just got to jingle bell rock. You know what I mean?
Kim: That is so inappropriate.
Schmidt: I get it... so you can dish it out but you can't take it. Yeah, how's that feel, Kim?
Kim: I like it. Both these machines need toner.
Schmidt: They need... I'm gonna put the toner in the... in the machine.

Gina: I can't find Elvin. I've looked everywhere. I-I have no idea.
Winston: [on the phone] Uh, you know what? I got to go. [hangs up] Um, I'm sure he's around here somewhere. We'll find him.
Gina: Elvin!
Winston: I'll tell you what, you go that way, I'll go that way. This is Schmidt's fault. I don't know how, but it is.

Paul: I'm sorry, Jess, I just... I don't want to slow down... with you. It's just not natural. So if you need to, then... I don't think I can do this anymore.
Jess: Okay.
Nick: Come on, Paul! It's Christmas! Don't break up with her...
Jess: Hey, Nick... It's okay.

Winston: Ah. I see you found Santa's house. I was looking for it.
Elvin: The man with no shirt killed Santa.
Winston: Oh, you mean Schmidt. Well, he was just dressing up like Santa.
Elvin: Then why didn't he have a shirt?
Winston: You know, we ask ourselves that question every single day.
Elvin: Is it because he's a D-bag? Mommy says he's a D-bag.
Winston: You know something? You're a really smart kid. And for that, Santa's gonna bring you extra presents this year.
Elvin: Really?
Winston: Yeah. Thank you, LeBron.

Nick: Excuse me, guys?
Winston: Oh, hell, no!
Nick: Excuse me, we got a girl out here who'd really like to see the lights! Sorry to wake you! This is rude! Make it the Candy Cane Lane or whatever! You spend all this time to show off and do it, so show off... you got an audience! This whole neighborhood is ridiculous! You all show off, so turn on the lights! Just go in the shed or whatever and turn your damn lights on, you show-offs! Turn on your lights!

Nick: [on the phone] Hey, Ma! How are you? Yeah. No, I'm gonna miss my flight. Yeah, I'm sorry. No. Ma, stop yelling at me, please stop yelling. Ma, I'm not high! Stop yelling! I'm driving a car. I can't talk. Hey, remember Winston? Winston, it's my ma. Talk to her.
Winston: [takes the phone] Hey, what up, Mrs. Miller? You know, I wrote a poem about you. You want to hear it?