Winston: I can't believe Jess got me roller skates for Christmas. I feel so free.

Schmidt: "Merry Christmas, Brendan. Don't swallow these. Love, Uncle Nick."
Nick: It's a great gift. He's a 12-year-old kid, it's a bunch of tacks. He's going to love 'em.

Nick: "Nerdy weird sex that works for both of us."
Jess: Give it back.
Nick: This is amazing.
Jess: No, come on.
Nick: I'm gonna keep this. I'm gonna cash this in one night and get some weird nerd sex with it.
Jess: No, but it's not for you.
Nick: Oh, my God, thank you. Now I know what I'm getting my mom.
Jess: Oh, my God, Nick.
Jess: It's going right to my mom.

Winston: So what'd you get Paul?
Jess: I'm not telling you, but, um, I'll give you a hint. It's fuzzy.
Winston: Well, I hope you didn't listen to Nick. He's the worst gift giver ever.
[flashback to Nick giving Winston a plastic bucket with a wrapped cheese burrito inside:]
Nick: You're welcome.

Winston: Schmidt, it's a menorah for you.
Schmidt: Oh, a menorah. Judaism, son.

Schmidt: No, I'm not the hair guy, man.
Cece: Oh, no, no, no, this is my very good friend Schmidt, and he just came by to bring me a gift, so... It's perfume. Why does it say "Cecilia Number 5"?
Schmidt: Actually, it says that because... you know, I ma... I made it specifically for you. Yeah, I found this place on Third Street where you can design your own perfume. Base notes of cocoa because of your brown, uh... ness. Sea salt, because it kind of sounds like Cece. Uh, and sandalwood... Sandalwood... always up to no good.
Cece: That's, um...
Schmidt: Ha.
Cece: Thank you.
Schmidt: Yeah.

Jess: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, two tickets to Vienna and passes to the Salzburg Music Festival? That's, like, incredible.
Paul: You're gonna love it.
Jess: I'm speechless. And, um, all I got you was...
Paul: "Anatomically correct heart of a 50-year-old nonsmoker." [toy heart beats]
Jess: You know what? Normally I'm, like, really good at giving gifts, and I thought that was romantic, but it's just... so creepy. I, I'm sorry, I have to get you something better.
Paul: No, it's great, I love it. It's funny an-and quirky and, and so sweet. It's like you. That's why I love it. I love it. Thank you, I love it. I... I love you.
Jess: [awkward pause] Thank you.
Paul: You're very welcome.
Jess: You're welcome. [toy heart beats]

Nick: Look at you, all dressed up. What, are you in The Temptations tonight?
Winston: That's so cute, Nick, you're intimidated by my style. But I'll tell you what... one of us is walking out of here with a job.

Jess: Hey, what are you doing in here?
Cece: Kyle's being a jerk. What are you doing in here?
Jess: Eating cookies and avoiding confrontation.
Cece: Remember when Christmas used to be fun and all I had to do was worry about my drunk uncle asking me out?
Jess: Yes, Uncle Pardeep. He thought I was a boy.
Cece: Such a weirdo.

Nick: How you doing, Paul?
Paul: Good.
Nick: Has Jess not talked to you?
Paul: Oh, yeah, no, we talked.
Nick: Yeah, yeah, no, I... She did, okay. Yeah, it's hard, you know, it's really tricky. It's like she doesn't love you right now, Paul, but that's not to say she might not fall in love with you later. I think that's the positive way of looking at it, but it's hard, man, believe me.
Paul: We talked about how we might have to drive you to the airport 'cause you're gonna miss your flight.
Nick: Yeah, that was probably all you guys talked about, so I'm joking.