Cece: There is one way that you could maybe solve your problem.
Schmidt: What?
Cece: You could use your first name.
Schmidt: What did you say?
Cece: You are not a frat boy drinking at a keg anymore, okay? You are an executive now. You're a baller.
Schmidt: I am a baller. Also, I was never allowed in frats. Too much hazing that required a visible penis.
Cece: Oh, baby.

Nick: [clears throat] Achoo! [shushes] [clears throat] Oh, you're up.
Aly: You woke me up.
Nick: Hey, do you mind if I run something by you that's very personal, very hot button?
Aly: I do, I need to rest. I'm working nights this week.
Nick: Oh, as a police officer?
Aly: No, Nick, as a prostitute. Yes, as a cop. Now will you please leave my room? I'm very tired and I need to get some rest.

Bob Day: Isn't this fun? Remember, we used to come here all the time, every time you won a tennis match.
Jess: That was your other daughter.
Bob Day: Oh, yeah, yeah. You-You were always in a production of Annie, but never Annie, though.

Nick: So what do you want me to do? You want me to go break up with her down in San Diego?
Aly: I don't, I don't care at this point.
Nick: Why? Because it's private?
Aly: Live your life, man.
Nick: Because the weather is really nice? And what happens if it doesn't work out? I'm just gonna go move down to Mexico and start a new life?
Aly: No one's suggesting any of this.
Nick: You're a genius. [laughs] Thank you, Aly. I knew I came to the right person. I'll do it.
Aly: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and I feel like I should call San Diego to warn them about you. But you seem convinced, so if it gets you out of here faster, God bless.
Nick: Do you believe in God, Aly?
Aly: I believe in hell and I'm in it.

Bob Day: I should have known right from the start. On our honeymoon, we're in the ocean, a-a-and Ashley sees a shark coming towards us. You know what she does? She pushes me in front of it and says, "Eat him! Eat him!"
Jess: What?
Bob Day: That-that was a clue. That was a clue.
Jess: I just hate thinking of you all alone in that house.
Bob Day: I'm fine. I got my cans. Gets me out of bed in the morning.

Reagan: San Diego.
Nick: The wonderful San Diego.
Reagan: Where are we staying?
Nick: Not sure. Maybe we're gonna get the nicest hotel in the city, huh? Maybe you're gonna stay there, and maybe I'm gonna head back to Los Angeles today.
Reagan: I'm gonna stay in San Diego, and you're gonna go back?
Nick: Who knows what's gonna happen down there? That's the fun of a trip like this.
Reagan: Nick, you would tell me if you were gonna murder me, right?
Nick: No, 'cause then you could prepare for it, you silly.

Aly: Wait a minute, why does Winston...
Schmidt: Yes?
Aly: Oh, my God. Why does my Winston have to change his name? Schmidt, don't you have a middle name?
Schmidt: I do have a middle name. It's Saint-Marie.
Winston: Hmm.
Schmidt: And obviously I can't go by that.
Aly: That's hilarious.

Aly: I used to live by myself. I had covered parking, I was happy.

Schmidt: I'm Winston. I'm Winston.
Winston: Nah, I'm Winston. Ah, I'm Winston.
Aly: Yet, somehow, all the Michaels in the world manage to deal with this every day.
Cece: Mm-hmm.

Aly: Hey, so Reagan's in your room, packing up her stuff. What'd you say to her?
Nick: Nothing. I-I didn't say anything. I just, uh, crawled out from under the bed where I was hiding. She said, "It's over," which makes sense, and then I came in here, and this is now my fifth beer in as many minutes.
Aly: I'm impressed.
Nick: No, you shouldn't be. I once drank nine beers in five minutes.
Aly: I hear that cry for help, but I meant the breakup.