Winston: All right, everybody stop! Wherever you are right now, just sit down! Okay, now, Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me! You, give her her scarf back. Finders keepers is not a thing. You, get out of my house!
Holly: Who are you?
Winston: Who am I? Who am I? Well, I am Theodore K. Mullins. And Nick is my lover on the down low. Tell her, Nick. Tell her how it really goes down in apartment 4D. Oh, great Negro spiritual, please come down and loose these chains on this woman! Flesh on flesh. When the lights are off, we are all the same.
Nick: Not true.
Winston: Dear lord, help me, Father! Get out of my house. Get out of my house!

Winston: Gotcha! [laughs] Prank Sinatra, baby!
Cece: What?
Schmidt: I don't get it. The truck is the prank? What, did you pay the rental fee? Winston, that's just nice.
Winston: You didn't have to move.
Nick: Yes, we did have to move, you idiot. We got evicted.
Jess: What is he talking about?
Nick: I have no idea.
Winston: Engram Pattersky. If you rearrange those letters, what does it spell?
Jess: "My greatest prank."
Winston: My greatest prank!

Schmidt: Not only am I the youngest person in this loft, I'm also the most successful.
Jess: Oh! Shut up, Schmidt. Are you honestly measuring yourself like a little boy?
Schmidt: I'm sorry that you're not growing any more like me. And apparently, I'm gonna be growing forever. I'm like a Jewish Peter Pan. Petya Pan. Peiter Pan. Pesach Pan.
Nick: Why don't you take it down a notch before this old man takes you outside and makes you pick a switch?
Schmidt: I'm like Snow Leopard. You guys are like DOS.

Schmidt: Now come on, guys, just tighten up, all right? Think young. What the hell is that smell?
Nick: It's Old Spice.
Schmidt: I'm smelling Old Spice?
Nick: Yeah, and yes, It has "Old" in the title, and yes, it's all over my body.
Schmidt: Okay, well, take it off.
Nick: I'm wearing the Spice. The Spice is cool.
Schmidt: It's not even a real spice, man. Take it off.
Nick: The Spice is coming back! Everybody knows it! The guy on the horse!
Schmidt: You can wear any spice. Don't wear Old Spice!
Winston: Classic cologne fight.

Nick: I like getting older. I feel like I'm finally aging into my personality.
[flashback to Nick reading a comic on his front step as Frisbee lands beside him:]
Young Nick: Keep this crap out of my yard! And turn that nonsense down!
[present:]
Nick: They never did get that Frisbee back. I used that Frisbee as a dish. [chuckles]
Jess: Seriously?
Nick: I used it for pistachios in my room.