Schmidt: Excuse me. You, sir, that works here. What is this fish ... the one that floats like an angel? How much for this one?
Aquarium Docent: Ah, that is the lovely but elusive California lionfish.
Schmidt: It's perfect. I must have it.
Aquarium Docent: S-Sadly, sir, you can't.
Schmidt: What do you mean I can't?
Aquarium Docent: It's... illegal, sir. This fish is protected by the great state of California.
Schmidt: Gimme it!
Aquarium Docent: No...? [Schmidt lunges at him]
Winston: What are you doing?
Schmidt: Why can't I have the things that I want?
Winston: Sorry about that.
Schmidt: Don't look at the fish, kids. You can't have any of them! None of them are for sale! Love is a lie. It is.
Winston: Calm down!
Schmidt: Love is a lie. Love is a lie.
Winston: We're leaving. We're leaving.

Jess: Schmidt ... an aquarium?! When did you become a Bond villain that couldn't afford not to live with roommates?
Schmidt: This is where I will keep my lionfish.
Jess: Your lionfish?
Schmidt: A rare beauty. The result of generations of interracial fish breeding. Just undulating in that water with that wry smile. Perfect, round fish breasts.
Winston: Pull it together.
Jess: What is this hat?
Schmidt: They say it'll be impossible for me to have it. But I'll get it. She will be mine, and... we will create a life together.

Nick: Come on, can I please have a ride? Wait, hold on. Don't move. Hold on. [chuckles] You got an eyelash.
Jess: Why do you smell so good?
Nick: It's 'cause I did laundry. Ah. I smell like a baby in a damn meadow. Look at this. My underwear. They're blue now. I think it's 'cause I put colors in the whites. I'm still figuring it out, but I'm really excited about laundry.
Jess: Good job.
Nick: Hey, how do you put your underwear back in? Just... I feel like it's too big to get back in now. It's tricky to get it in.
Jess: Fine!
Nick: Thank you. Do you mind if we stop along the way? I'm thinking of getting a salad 'cause I want to eat healthier.
Jess: Oh! God! Nick!
Nick: I'm thinking of taking a vitamin today.
Jess: Oh, God! Shut up!

Jess: [watching Nick] Yeah. Yank that chain.
Old Woman: Yank it.
Nick: I feel like Russell Crowe in every movie he's ever done.

Jess: All right, Nick. Um, we have to go.
Nick: We just got here. We have tons of stuff we need to get.
Jess: Fine. Let me see what we have left.
Nick: A whole bunch of stuff.
Jess: Long-shafted... drive drill? New nut wrench?
Nick: Our old nut wrench is bad.
Jess: Quick-hardening... caulk.
Nick: You don't want to wait forever for that caulk to harden.
Jess: Lube for... drill shaft.
Nick: And we ... also, can we get a box of gummy sharks?

Jess: [to herself] Just remember... you caught him pleasuring himself to a mail-order steak catalog.

Nick: Hey, Jess. I got some hot soup.
Jess: I feel good... Jessy feel good... Mmm. I like to say words with my mouth.
Nick: Well, your jaw is super bruised, so you need to get some rest. But you have some fun pain meds. Right?
Jess: I like you.
Nick: Yeah, I like you, too, Jess.
Jess: Yeah... and I like, your little bubble belly.
Nick: Oh, thank you.
Jess: Blows up like a... bubble.
Nick: Yeah, that's what it does.

Nick: Hey! Stop saying "That's my ass cheek" and stop touching his butt!
Winston: Look at that shiner.
Schmidt: Not cool! Somebody messes with my boy, that means we mean "bid-ness"! We doing this? Let's do this! Are we not... are we not doing it? It doesn't feel like you guys want to do it.

Nick: Let's just say hypothetically that a girl says something to you while she's on painkillers.
Winston: Mm-hmm.
Nick: And that girl says that she might want to have sexual intercourse with you.
Winston: Please tell me we're not talking about Jess.
Nick: And you had no idea that's how she felt. Like, no idea. You thought the door was closed. In fact, you thought that door was so closed that you went out to another door, but had I known that the first door was open, that's the door I wanted to walk through.
Schmidt: Wait, okay, wait...
Nick: I would've walked through that door. Do you see how I'm in a tough spot?
Schmidt: Can we stop calling it "walking through a door"? Because for me, I feel like it's more like sliding past a drape.
Nick: Okay, if a girl on painkillers says that she wants to have sex with you, is that the drugs or is that real? And if so, how do I end it with Shane before Jess finds out? I-I-I meant the door.

Schmidt: Jellyfish!
Winston: What happened?
Schmidt: It got me, it got me!
Winston: What do I do? What do I do?
Schmidt: It got me, Winston! It burns!
Winston: Okay!
Schmidt: Burns!
Winston: So what do I do?
Schmidt: I need you to pee on my face.
Winston: What?!