Nick: Just drive the car.
Coach: You've never been turned on by gas mileage before?
Nick: Never.
Schmidt: No!
Winston: Once.
Schmidt: When was that?
Winston: It was a Thursday, that's all I remember.
Schmidt: A Thursday?
Winston: Yeah.

Nick: Just drive the car. I gotta go tell my girlfriend I don't love her so she doesn't leave me.
Coach: All right.
Nick: Like a normal person.

Cece: Amazing. Can you believe it?
Jess: No, I can't. Finger guns? That was so stupid. My brain just froze. If the limo guy hadn't pulled away, I probably would've done a lasso.
Cece: I think you were just a little scared.
Jess: Scared of what? Saying "I love you"? I say "I love you" all the time. I'll say it right now: I love you!
Clayton Kershaw: I love you. Hi, I'm Clayton Kershaw. I'm a Los Angeles Dodger.
Jess: Yeah, and I'm Jessica Day. I'm a Los Angeles astronaut. [giggles] Not now, pal.

Winston: Guys, look, I can't help but think that now might be a good time for a little Fire and Ice.
Coach: Oh! Fire and Ice!
Nick: Please, do not-
Schmidt: There is never a good time for Fire and Ice.
Coach: Yes! Yeah!
Nick: Fire and Ice got you into parties in college, but it's not getting you into Prince's house.
Coach: Winston, what happens when you mix fire and ice?
Winston: Warm water, baby.

Nick: That's remarkable.
Schmidt: That worked?
Nick: We need our own Fire and Ice, pal.
Schmidt: Well, all right, man.
Nick: Ham and Cheese!
Schmidt: I don't really think the name made a...
Nick: Ham and Cheese!

Nick: Excuse me. What?! Who's this guy?
Schmidt: Nick Miller?
Nick: Is that Schmidt?
Schmidt: You scoundrel, you. Well, hot damn. Come here. It's good to see you.
Nick: Yeah, well, the feeling's not mutual! The last time I saw him, I was on the desert, and he was putting my mother into a prison.
Schmidt: You don't understand what we're doing, do you?
Nick: Keep this animal away from me!
Schmidt: You know what? It's my fault. We didn't rehearse. We didn't rehearse.
Nick: Can we come into the party?
Schmidt: You know what? We're gonna wait back here. I get it. It's my fault. It's- Nick?
Nick: I'm Trojan horsing inside a bunch of models. Every ham for himself.
Schmidt: No, Nick! Let me in there! Models, let me in, please.
Bouncer: No, sir.
Schmidt: Unhand me!

Nick: I need to talk to you.
Jess: I know.
Nick: I can't leave it the way that was.
Jess: I know, because there's something, um, I really should have said back there and I didn't, and, um I think it's important that I say to you. So, uh, what I wanted to say is, Nick Miller I... [faints]
Nick: Jess! She's all right.

Nick: Hey, Jess, you okay?
Jess: Hi. What happened?
Nick: You had a panic attack and you fell down.
Jess: Oh, my God.
Nick: Which is actually worse than finger guns. I didn't think that was possible.

Schmidt: [o.s.] Be strong, Nick!
Winston: What did?
Jess: What?
Nick: What's that?
Schmidt: I'm outside the hedge! You see my arm? I'm trying to push through!
Cece: What are you doing up there?
Nick: Be careful!
Schmidt: I lost my bearings! I had to go high to avoid the spiders!
Jess: Nick.
Nick: Just wait for him to finish.
Schmidt: I'm breaching! Uh...
Cece: Whoa!
Nick: Easy! Easy!
All: Oh!
Schmidt: Prince is terrible at Frisbee. There's, like, ten of these things up there.

Coach: We should be dead.
Winston: We should be dead.
Coach: I never thought I was gonna see him again!
Winston: He's getting emotional right now, because this is real.
Alessandra Ambrosio: Oh, if you cry, I'm gonna cry.
Winston: And then I'm gonna cry, then we can just cry together.
Ana Beatriz Barros: Poor Freddy.