Jess: Aah! [car brakes] Go, go, sorry, go. [car brakes] Oh, I'm sorry, I... okay, sorry, go. [car brakes]
Old Male Driver: Move it, you wacky bitch!

Nick: Mine.
Schmidt: The laws of parking require a vehicle.
Nick: This is my vehicle. This is my vehicle. [Schmidt drives towards Nick] Don't. Don't you do it, Schmidt.
Schmidt: I'm not afraid.
Nick: Schmidt, no. You just hit me.
Schmidt: Damn right I did. You're sitting right in the middle of the spot.
Nick: You hit me with your car over a parking spot, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Get out of the spot!

Jess: I have a purse full of hard candy and an empty bladder. I'm here all night, folks.

Nick: It's a sour ball, not a bank safe. Just open the candy.

Schmidt: Okay, I have, like, a stabbing pain, it's ... and it's, and it's like right here. It's my pishy. I, I have to pish. I think we should take a break.
Jess: Leave and you're out.
Nick: Drown in your own urine.

Winston: I got to find a condom. I need a condom! But I still want the spot.

Winston: Here we go... here we go. [finds a condom in a box of fish sticks] I mean, she's either having crazy amounts of sex or she does not know how to use these things.

Nick: If I could go back in time and take back the kiss, I would. I would take it back, I regret it.
Jess: Congratulations, you're the proud owner of a new parking spot.
Nick: Oh, you got to be kidding me. Jess, wait.
Schmidt: You realize, every second that you don't run after her, you become more and more of a buttwad, don't you?
Nick: Did you pee yourself?
Schmidt: That I did, that I did.

Nick: I don't regret kissing you. I regret what it did, I regret that it made things weird. We are roommates, you know, we got to figure this out, Jess.
Jess: A no-nail oath? You thought I was going to sleep with one of you, like I just couldn't help it?
Nick: It was me, Jess, I couldn't help it. [box drops] You dropped your fish sticks.
Jess: Shut up, Nick.

Schmidt: What, do you think that I want to do this? Believe me, pass. I just don't want my home turning into a den of sexual tension and lies. Now, do you want things to go back to normal or not?
Nick: Yes.
Jess: Yes, I do, but I...
Schmidt: Then, I just have to kiss you. This is just one of those things ... let's just do it...
Jess: No, I-I...
Schmidt: get past it, we move on.
Jess: I think that's a bad idea.