Jess: Honey, don't forget how much research you put in. You don't want to throw that all away, like I did with my skating career.
Billy: Jeff, you clearly know your way around an engine. What are we talkin', 5.0?
Nick: You want the bird to sing in my underpants, I'm gonna need double digits.
Billy: Oh, yeah, Jeff. baby!

Jess: Excuse me. I have to take this. It's Oksana Baiul. [to Nick] Honey, get the car I want, or the only pie you'll be eating is out of the garbage.

Schmidt: Cutting Winston's plus one creates a real ripple effect. Jason gets bumped from 14. Ruthie gets bumped from 6, landing Tyler right next to the bar, which feels like tempting fate.
Cece: Yeah, you know what? The more I think about it, we may have judged Rhonda a little too harshly.
Schmidt: Maybe you're right. You know what? If Winston is happy, with Lady Kutcher, we should support him. What's the worst that can happen? Maybe she'll put some cellophane over the toilet bowls. Hopefully, my Uncle Randy doesn't get... fired up at the buffet.

Winston: Hey, guys.
Cece: We were just talking, and we're sorry about earlier.
Winston: Oh, listen, I've been thinking about what you said, and maybe you're right. I want the woman that I bring to your wedding to be special. Special like... my wife. [laughing]
Winston & Rhonda: We got married! [laughing]
Cece: What?!

Schmidt: You got married?!
Winston: Well, look, you guys said to be more serious, and nothing's more serious than holy matrimony. I mean, this is what you guys wanted, right?
Cece: No! No! This is insane. And we were totally out of bounds in the first place.
Schmidt: We never should have interfered in your love life.
Winston: No.
Rhonda: Got you again!
Winston: Boom! That's what we needed to hear.

Cece: How did you guys get such a realistic marriage certificate?
Rhonda: Does it look realistic? Oh, that's good. They did a good job on it, 'cause it's a hundred percent real.
Winston: We got you. We found a same-day chapel, and then we got married, as a prank.
Cece: Wha-uh...?
Schmidt: So-so you really did get married?
Winston: Y'all can't keep up.
Schmidt: How is really getting married, Winston, a prank?
Rhonda: The authenticity of the marriage is what makes it a great prank. Come on, guys.
Winston: Yeah.

Cece: Okay, so this is like a lifelong prank?
Winston: Oh, no, no, we're getting it annulled tomorrow.
Schmidt: Oh, right.
Rhonda: Tonight's the honeymoon.
Winston: Listen, a little marriage advice... I would know because I'm married... a happy wife, uh, a happy life. Have you heard the saying before?
Rhonda: Mm.
Schmidt: I'm questioning everything right now.
Cece: I swear, I swear... I swear...

Billy: I don't really know what you guys are talking about, but are you still buying the RV?
Jess: No! I'm not buying an RV.
Nick: Honey, he's giving us a great price. Why don't you get those numbers?
Sam: Don't get those numbers.
Nick: Why don't you go get them?
Sam: Stay right there.
Billy: Why do women always bring your drama in here?
Jess: Oh, you're blaming me? Hah! All right. I'd like to test-drive my car right now.

Jess: You're gonna give me what I want.
Billy: I can't give you a thing until I talk to my manager.
Jess: You're talking to me. I know you need to get rid of this 2017. It's the end of the month. I know you haven't made your nut.
Billy: Okay, I'll give you the original deal. The one from the e-mail.
Jess: You'll do better. I want Bluetooth. [men screaming] I want voice activation.
Billy: Oh, God! No, no!
Sam: No, no, no, no, no! No!
Billy: Whoa! Okay, okay... Okay-kay-kay...
Jess: I want to feel like I'm driving a spaceship.
Billy: Anything you want.

Jess: Now for you two, jokers.
Nick: I'm sorry I went rogue, Jess.
Sam: I'm sorry, too. You told me not to come, but I did.
Jess: Don't apologize to me. Talk to each other. Figure out a way to both be in my life. Otherwise, I'm gonna turn the heat up to 90. I'm gonna turn the radio to Pink. And I am going to find a cobblestone street.
Billy: Oh, no, please don't. I gotta go to the bathroom.
Jess: Shut up, Billy! You have a little boy's name.
Billy: You are so mean!
Jess: Now solve it. Deal with your emotions.