Schmidt: Jess? For Pete's sake. [knocking] What is that infernal racket?
Jess: Hey, I was just making some table legs. But if it's too loud, I can table them for later.
Schmidt: This whole summer, you've been doing one activity after another. The urban corn harvest. Learning Portuguese.
Winston: You joined that SoulShred gym and got scary ripped.
[flashback to Jess dropping some nuts while making a protein shake, then moving the fridge to pick them up]
Schmidt: What is going on with you?
Cece: Okay. All right. [clears throat] She's a badass, that is what is going on with her. Woodworking is awesome. [closes door on Schmidt & Winston] Okay, woodworking is insane.
Jess: It's woodturning, but go on.

Schmidt: Leslie, I can't believe you pulled this off.
Leslie: Every morning I just Google "house" and sometimes stuff comes up.
Jess: Guys, look at us. You guys are married. Winston, you're in love, Nick's in a serious relationship of his own, and I am a truly excellent friend.
Man: Why are you looking at my house?
Schmidt: Hello, sir, how are you? We're the ones who are buying your home.
Man: I'm not selling my house.
Schmidt: What?
Leslie: Oh, maybe that's why there's no sign. Maybe I got the address wrong.
Schmidt: I mean... What are you ta... how did we get into the house? We walked through it three times.
Man: What?
Schmidt: What?
All: What?

Jess: All right, I'm taking charge. Winston, Leslie has to go.
Winston: No!
Jess: She's the worst real estate agent of all time.
Winston: Aly and I just went long distance. I can't tell her that you fired her little sister. This is a delicate situation for our relationship. Please, Jess.
Schmidt: Why are you ask... why are you asking Jess? And, Jess, why are you inserting yourself into this?
Jess: If anyone's inserting themself, it's Winston. He's like a tongue at a seventh grade birthday party.

Cece: Look, we'll find a place, okay? I didn't like that house that much anyway.
Schmidt: I just can't be married, living with roommates.
[flashback to Schmidt and Cece eating dinner:]
Winston: Well, hey! Well, I hope you saved some for Furguson. [singsongy] 'Cause you forgot yesterday.
[flashback to Jess walking in on Schmidt and Cece in the shower:]
Schmidt: No! [Jess and Cece scream] No!
[present:]
Schmidt: Look at our wedding photo. I want to hang our wedding photo in our house. I want to start our lives together.

Jess: This is in your price range, and it's, like, only five minutes from the loft. I really think this is the best investment of our money right now.
Cece: [to Schmidt] Okay, okay, okay. Okay. [to Jess] Hey, babe? [Schmidt groans] I think we got this, okay?
Jess: Yes. We got this.
Schmidt: Actually, we, we got this.
Jess: Preach! We got this.
Schmidt: Jess, look at us for a second, the two of us, Cece and I. We. Us.
Both: We got this.
[cut to an open house:]
Jess: We got this. [chuckles] All right. Schmidt, bedrooms. Cece, bathrooms. I'm gonna smell everything.

Nick: Bonjour! Crawdaddy's home, and he's ready to see his crawkids! Who's home? Schmidty, Jess? Winston? Winston's cat? Fine. Cece?

Jess: I don't know, guys. Lot of lost dog posters around. Really sad neighborhood. Also it's crazy expensive. I'm the voice of reason, that's why you brought me with.
Schmidt: We-we didn't bring you with. You followed us here in your car.
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: She followed us the whole way.

Cece: All right. We will ask for a bigger loan. And it'll be tight, but we'll manage it.
Schmidt: Okay. Yeah, we can do it. Look, we'll just make sacrifices.
Cece: Yeah.
Schmidt: We'll pack our lunches. We'll cut out cup-on's.
Cece: It's coupons.
Schmidt: Cup-ons, yeah.
Cece: No, you're saying cup-ons.
Schmidt: Well, it's fine. It's not important, we'll cut out cup-ons.
Cece: Coupons.

Leslie: And I'm a Sagittarius, which is why I'm so good with people and horses. But it also makes me, like, really sleepy.
Winston: Uh, Leslie... [nervous laugh] Um, there's no... there's no easy way to say this. Uh... you... no longer work... for Schmidt and Cece.
Leslie: No, no, they're firing me? No, but didn't you tell them how good I am?
Winston: Well, you know, I tried to. I was like, I was like, "Man, she good..."
Leslie: You didn't stick up for me, Winston?
Winston: Well, I tried...
Leslie: I'm calling Aly!
Winston: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, no, no, time out, time out. Listen, hey, hey, hey. Time out. Stop. Stop that. You didn't let me finish. You don't work for Schmidt and Cece anymore, because... 'Cause you work for me now. I'm buying a house. [Leslie shrieks happily] I'm buying a house! [Leslie laughing] Ha, ha! I'm buying a home.

Schmidt: But trust me, loan officers have a lot of discretion. We just need to market ourselves. We need to look him right in the eye...
Lorne: Mr. Schmidt and Mrs. Parikh? I'm not blind. I just had my pupils dilated for an exam.
Schmidt: If it makes you feel any better, I'm seeing stars, too.
Leslie: What?
Schmidt: I'm talking about you.
Cece: Okay, honey, just... shh.
Schmidt: Shh. You're a big, bright star.
Leslie: It ain't gonna be that kind of party today, pal. Follow me.