Sam: What is going on here?
Jess: Okay, um... [groans] I had a sex dream about Nick. Let me back up. Last night, you asked me about this helmet. Sorry. Let me fast forward. The helmet's stuck on my head. Look, I know this is a lot to ask, but is there any way, you could just trust me when I tell you that it was just a stupid sex dream.
Sam: Okay, yes. Yeah, no. I trust you.
Jess: Thank you.
Sam: But right now, my parents are expecting us. So, you know, a lot of kids come into the hospital with stuff stuck on their head. Do you guys have a screwdriver or a hammer?
Jess: Oh, uh, we can't break it 'cause... Nick's dad gave it to him.
Sam: Right. Uh, well... I have to go meet my parents, so I'll call you tomorrow.

Jess: I need a straw. Ugh, I should be charming the pants off Sam's parents right now.
Nick: Jess. We're gonna break it.
Jess: But what about your dad?
Nick: Look, it sucks to admit, but Sam's a really good guy with above average handsomeness. And he's above six feet tall, which I know means a lot to you. And he makes you happy, and so... I think it's time for me to stop coming in between you guys. Let's do this. Let's have a little bit of fun, huh?

Casting Director: Forget about Patches. You should represent more cats like Furguson.
Tripp: What?
Winston: What? You were laughing at him.
Casting Director: He's an original. Makes Patches look like a Culkin brother.
Tripp: What?!
Schmidt: It's hard to celebrate this moment with so much cat hair in my mouth.

Tripp: Really? Really? Now you're gloating? Huh? Winston? Do you have to be such a dick? I mean, you're already so intimidating. Do you have to go out of your way to actually get at me?
Winston: Intimidating?
Tripp: Aly talks about you all the time, obviously. You're a cop. You're a hero. Last weekend, I went to a turtle's birthday party.
Casting Director: This is oddly emotional.
Winston: You're intimidated by me?
Tripp: Yes.
Schmidt: It's funny how life works, man. It's ironic.
Winston: This is amazing. You know what, Tripp? You don't have to worry about Furguson competing with Patches. Yeah. I'm taking him out of the game. I don't like this life for him.

Aly: What did you think of Tripp? I know he's a little intense.
Winston: Well, look, I mean, if he makes you happy, then, uh... and I like him, so...
Aly: Thanks. You know, for a guy who eats his raisins hot, your opinion means a lot to me.
Winston: Thank you.
Aly: What's up with Schmidt?
Schmidt: [hissing, huffs]
Winston: Oh, he's haunted.