Reagan: Look, guys. I got this box of Jess's weird old ski clothes.
Cece: Ooh... Hello, 1989.
Winston: Check me out, I'm Picabo Street. You know who that is, right?
Reagan: I don't know who that is.

Reagan: Should we be worried about him?
Schmidt: Worried about Nick? Oh, no, this is just what he does.
Reagan: Okay, but being exposed to the heat for that long is actually super-dangerous, so... maybe I should go reason with him. [others laugh]
Schmidt: "Reason."
Winston: Please excuse our immediate but correct response.

Nick: Oh, I know why. Because you have a crush on me.
Reagan: No.
Nick: Yeah.
Reagan: That's... that... I... You're... you're a human being and I'm worried about...
Nick: You have a crush on me. No. That's why you're always thinking about me...
Reagan: That has nothing to do with that.
Nick: ...giving me my medicals, checking on me, giving me my medicals...
Reagan: You said that twice. You are hallucinating.
Nick: No, Reagan, I'm "ha-truth-inating."

Nick: Turn 'em all on, great. I love it hot. Great, turn 'em up. I got the sticks if you got the melons. Marsh-melons. Marshmallows. Sorry.

Reagan: Can you just admit that it's hot in here? There's no way that you are not hot. I'm hot.
Nick: Why are you so worried about old Nicky pots and pans?
Reagan: I don't have a crush on you.
Nick: You have a crush on me, it's obvious.
Reagan: Why would I have a crush on you? You are the most stubborn, annoying, frustrating person I have ever met in my entire life.
Nick: Why don't you tell that to the judge in your pants? Verdict's in. You're guilty.

Schmidt: Now, get down to the basement and fix our power.
Nick: But the basement? There are so many rats. She'll probably try to make out with me.
Reagan: Please, I would rather make out with a rat.
Nick: Gross. Did you hear what she just said?
Winston: [cop voice] Stop! Go to the basement and stay there until the power is fixed!
Nick: Yes, sir.
Winston: Now, I have accidentally pressed all of the buttons, but you will stay on the elevator until you get to the basement! And when you get to that basement... [doors close] Aw, damn...

Reagan: How is it even hotter down here?
Nick: Because the heat stays low, you dummy. It's bad enough that we're down here, I can't explain science to you.
Reagan: I hope that the Chicago Cubs win the World Series while you're in a coma.
Nick: That's one of the meanest things anybody has ever said to me. Now, follow me. I want to leave one set of footprints.
Reagan: That is a perfect plan, but I'm not going to do that.
Nick: [finds the fuse box] Oh, hello, old friend. Funny seeing you here.

Cece: What is happening here?
Schmidt: Cece, I know the audition is scary for you. I would not be doing my job as the man who loves you if I let you walk away from this. Don't blow it, Cece! You are not walking away from this opportunity!
Cece: Okay...
Schmidt: I'm gonna need less talking out of you and more action, damn it!
Cece: [quietly] Wow.
Schmidt: Wait, no, Cece, I'm sorry. Did I take it too far? I took it too far, didn't I? Oh, God.
Winston: It's fine. I have been down this road many a-times. She's gonna come walking back through that door in three, two... Look, Schmidt, not for nothing, man, you got so many good characters inside of you. Oh, my Gosh.

Nick: If I get burned up and die this way, it would be such an embarrassing way to go. But what would be nice about it is that I would technically have been right.

Nick: How did I...? Did you carry me out like a firefighter?
Reagan: No, you woke up right away. And then you were like, "Ooh, I need some fresh air." So we came outside, I bought you a muffin and then you passed out again.
Nick: Oh, yeah, I remember that muffin.
Reagan: I feel like you had a pretty bad shock, so let's ask a few questions. What day of the week is it?
Nick: That's not something I typically know. I would guess Monday.
Reagan: Okay.