Jess: You and Nick, tell me everything.
Reagan: The power went out. We went into the basement. There were rats, he passed out, we kissed.
Jess: [squealing softly] Oh, my God. And you like him.
Reagan: No. No, I don't. We just hooked up a few times. Let's focus on you. Here's a courtroom sketch.
Jess: Yep, there he is, 237B. God, he can dress.
Reagan: But we're gonna need more than that. We need something distinctive, so did he have like a... he walked with a limp or he had a hook hand or a neck tattoo-- anything?

Schmidt: What is this, Winston? Who are all these unusual people? Where's the instructor?
Winston: It is a gathering, not a class. I've told you that before. Listen, it's fun.
Schmidt: That's not dancing. These people aren't dancing. Dancing is about precision and domination and sweat.
Winston: Check out my ass. Check out my ass! My butt is alive!

Schmidt: We're not gonna learn our first dance here. I'm gonna call my Beijing Opening Ceremonies contact. He's fantastic.

Schmidt: What dance are you guys doing? Because it is not Humpty's! This is his dance, y'all! And Humpty Hump is his name!

Jess: During Cece's first wedding, Nick and I went into a duct to catch a badger that Winston had released.
Reagan: Naturally.
Jess: It was crazy! It was chaotic! It was largely Nick's fault. But then I realized he's the only person I'd ever go into a duct with. Nick kind of sneaks up on you. You think he's one thing... and then...
Reagan: Yeah, Nick is great. But I'm leaving and we're both cool about that so--
Jess: Oh, right, you're both totally cool about it.

Jess: Hey, 9C!
Juror 9C: Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no! You do not run my life anymore. Good-bye! [uses inhaler]
Reagan: Is that adult man afraid of you?
Juror 9C: I take a bathroom break when I want to!
Jess: I cracked skulls as foreman.
Security Guard: Whoa, whoa.
Jess: "Men only"?! It's 2016!
Security Guard: Clearly, I make the rules. That's why my office is a hut.

Jess: So, Winston didn't answer. Schmidt said, "They're desecrating the Time Warp. Desecrating it!" And he hung up. But I got a hold of Nick. He said that he's super busy, which means he's naked and doodling. But he said he'd make time for us, which is good.

Reagan: Wait, sorry, so Nick is coming?
Jess: Yeah.
Reagan: No, just call him and tell him not to come.
Jess: I thought you were cool.
Reagan: I am cool.
Jess: You don't really seem cool.
Reagan: It's just that when I see him, it's a, it's weird, 'cause I'm, I'm leaving and it's, it's complicated. I do-- I just, I don't really know how to... God, I'm crazy about him!
Jess: Yes! I knew it! I knew it.
Reagan: Okay, yes. That's enough. You're right.
Jess: You know what happens now.
Reagan: I don't want to hug you.
Jess: You know what happens now!
Reagan: I'm not hugging you.
Jess: Yeah, you are.
Reagan: I'm not hugging you.

Schmidt: Look at her out there. Treating the laws of music as mere suggestions of music.
Winston: Must be frightening to love a daredevil. What happened to you?
Schmidt: Growing up a husky boy, I learned that I had no margin for error.
[flashback:]
Bully: Hey, fatty, it's called "The Hustle."
Schmidt: [v.o.] The slightest mistake meant ridicule, so I had to learn to do everything perfectly. I learned to dance a dance the way that it was meant to be danced. And until I learned to dance that dance perfectly,
I would never dance that dance. And then exactly 364 days later...
[flashback:]
Boy: Sock it, man! [audience clamoring]
Girl: Go!
Bully: No complaints here, fatty.
[present:]
Schmidt: No complaints.

Winston: Let me ask you a question about this mean kid at the talent show-- was he a child emperor?
Schmidt: No, he was as poor and trashy as they come.
Winston: So he had no power over you then or now. Schmidt, you got to stop letting childish ridicule dictate your actions.
Schmidt: Oh, yeah, well, your-your smelly butt looks dumb in those pants.