Russell: Are you wearing my sweater?
Nick: No. Yes. It was on the back of the chair. So I thought the sweater belonged to the chair. I thought it was a chair sweater. Those exist. I'm Nick.
Russell: Oh, you know Jess.
Nick: Yes. I'm Jess' roommate. I'm the guy with no phone, if she's told you. That's my thing. No phones.
Russell: Why don't you have a phone?
Nick: Because I don't want to be tied to some corporate system. That, and no one would give me one. I have incredibly low credit ratings.

Russell: When I was your age, I had a really skinny ponytail, and I think I was living off of selling my own blood.
Nick: That's funny. Then what happened? One day you just woke up and you had all this?
Russell: Well, I realized I wanted to grow up. That's what happened. [takes a boxed iPhone from a drawer] Um... I got this as a gift from the company for Christmas, so...
Nick: Oh, wow, that's great. My boss gave me three credit cards he found at the bar, and said, "You didn't get these from me." It's a bartender joke. I'm a bartender. We... We don't steal credit cards. Cool, cool.
Russell: Here. Take it.
Nick: No, no, I can't take your phone, man. I can't... it's just... it feels really good in my hand. Is it possible to be sexually attracted to an object?
Russell: Yes, it is. It really is. You can keep the sweater.
Nick: Thanks, I... I don't know why I put it on, to be honest with you. I just came in here, and it smelled like Shakespeare, if Shakespeare were a damn cowboy. And hawk's nests, and boat fuel, and cigars and burping... man stuff!

Nick: Jess, why are we leaving? And why are you all wet? Okay, did you take a bath in his tub because you wanted to see what it'd feel like to be him? 'Cause, weirdly, I get that.
Jess: No. I want to leave because we don't fit in here, Nick.
Nick: I know that I've been saying you can't give into this guy, but I don't think that you should run from him, either. 'Cause no matter where you go, he could find you. I believe that.
Jess: No, running's good. I'm gonna run.
Nick: Hey, Jess, stop. Look, this may complicate things, but I'm in love with him.
Jess: Shut up!
Nick: No, I won't shut up. He smells like strong coffee and going to see a man about a horse.
Jess: You're ridiculous, Nick. Let's go.
Nick: I am ridiculous, okay, but no. Be a grown-up. He likes you, Jess. Go back in there. I think it'd be good for you. And I'm not just saying that because I'm in love with him. Just do it. Don't be intimidated just because you're just younger, poorer and wetter than everybody in there.

Schmidt: Winston, I hope you're better in bed because your street work is embarrassing. Am I talking too much? I don't want to ruin the moment. You know what? If this was my grandmother's building, she'd be outside on the patio, and she'd be yelling down at you, and she'd be saying, "You look beautiful. The two of you are a beautiful couple. I'm glad you found one another." But she wouldn't invite you up because she's a horrible racist. You want me to put on some Jodeci?

Russell: Um, you wanted to talk to me about Sarah's art.
Jess: So, this is one of the pieces she did. Um... That one's called, um, "At the Mall with Grandma." She made that in dream-cess, which is where, um, I let the kids have time to create something.
Russell: Sarah's gonna be opting out of dream-cess from now on. She'll use that same time to review her other schoolwork with a tutor.
Jess: Oh, did you talk to Sarah about this?
Russell: Well, I don't need to. I want her to know fractions before she goes to high school.
Jess: Well, I follow the curriculum.
Russell: My daughter is wearing doll's heads around her neck, so whatever you're doing, keep it up.
Jess: Okay, I talk to your daughter every single day. Do you? Because hiring a tutor is not the same thing as spending time with her.
Russell: I'm her father, not her friend. I know what she needs. Give my best to Mrs. Monogamy.

Tanya: He's the third largest donor in the city.
Jess: We take his money and then what, we have to answer to him? So, you're asking me to give up my integrity?
Tanya: That's what I'm telling you to do. Yes, we need his money.
Jess: So, he pulls his donation. You know what? I'll raise the money myself. I'll get a ragtag group of kids together. A lost soul, an orphan, a Jewish kid with a keyboard, a little slut who can dance, and one fatso, and I'll choreograph some dances, make a show.
Tanya: You did that already, Jess. It's called the spring musical, and it literally brought in $60.
Jess: Please don't make me apologize.
Tanya: You're gonna go to his office. You're gonna say that you were wrong. Say you're never gonna let the kids do anything creative ever again. From now on, your classroom is full-on North Korea: Math! Math! Math! Make sure he doesn't pull the donation.

Winston: Why did you make me look stupid in front of Shelby last nigh?
Schmidt: Wait, what?
[flashback:]
Host: Which of the five great lakes is located entirely in the United States?
Winston: Lake Erie?
Schmidt: Yeah, if Lake Michigan didn't exist and we won a fictional U.S.-Canada war.
Shelby: Lake Michigan.
Host: Correct!

Winston: I want her to think that I can bring something to the table. I care about this girl, Elvin. I want her to be my girlfriend. She sees me, all she sees is a part-time nanny, and that's...
Elvin: You are a part-time nanny.
Winston: I want her to think I'm smart.
Elvin: What about fake glasses? It worked for me.

Jess: [on the phone] Okay, okay, I'm on my way to his office, and I have a speech I wrote for Fancyman, and I want to practice it.
Schmidt: Why are you listening to Nick? It is a horrible idea.
Nick: Ghost Protocol, man.
Schmidt: You're using my phone. It's not Ghost Protocol. It's you using my phone.
Nick: This is a group call; I'm just talking in my living room, and it happens to go into that box.

Schmidt: Guy sounds like matinee idol.
Nick: Shut up, Schmidt.