Jess: I'm just pushing it to the nearest gas station. It's like, a mile away, so I'm fine.
Russell: I know a guy. He'll be here in ten.
Jess: Oh, no, Mr. Schiller.
Russell: Russell.
Jess: Mr. Schiller, I can take care of myself. It's how I was raised. I wasn't raised with money, so when something broke, we pretended it still worked. Some of my best memories are pushing this car around on family vacations.
Russell: Okay. Oh, yeah, tow truck's on the way.

Russell: Here, let me help you. Take mine.
Jess: What?
Russell: Take mine. Here.
Jess: No.
Russell: Come on. Take mine.
Jess: Uh, I don't know how to drive cars that work.

Russell: Miss Day?
Jess: Jess ... you can call me Jess.
Russell: Great, I'll see you tomorrow, Jess. Go is the one on the right. The one on the left is stop.

Jess: And then he gives me his car, just hands me the keys. It's like so... Rich people! They're always giving you their cars. It's like, let them eat cars. You know what he's doing? He's taking back the power, so I have to go to his cookout, and instead of standing up to him, I have to grovel.

Jess: So I'm going to have to draw on your hatred of rich people for this, okay? Hate me up.
Nick: Well, for starters, look at this place.
Jess: I know. Ugh.
Nick: I'm betting at one point there was a moat. Rich boy punk.

Nick: This hallway's excessive. It's braggy.
Jess: Well, I guess everyone's out back.
Nick: Ugh, look at this place, Jess. Are you kidding me? It's so over-the-top. A kitchen island? Be a man! Let your counter attach to itself.
Jess: I know. It's like, I can't chop vegetables over here. I need to do it over here. Love me, love me. I mean, we're making an egg, not going to outer space, guys, right?
Nick: Right. Nice burn.

Nick: Hey, Russell, why are you being so nice to me?
Russell: Well, you're Jess's friend, right? Now, you fold that sweater. Don't hang it. You listening to me? Fold it. Ah, I don't care. Do whatever you want.
Nick: [awkwardly loud] That was really funny, man! Why did I...?

Jess: No, I just pressed some buttons with cartoon characters on them.
Russell: Yeah, it's Japanese.
Jess: Of course it's a Japanese bidet. Of course you have a Japanese bidet. Look, Russell, I want to tell you that I am not sorry about what I said because Sara is 12, and she is creative, and I don't care if you pull your donation, I am not gonna grovel...
Russell: Why did you think I was going to pull the donation? I would never do that.
Jess: Okay.
Russell: Oh, jeez. It is some really deep cleaning here.
Jess: Oh, God.
Russell: No, Jess, Jess! Wait!
Jess: Oh!
Russell: Jess, you put it up to six happy faces. I've never gone past three.

Shelby: What has gotten into you today?
Winston: I just... I just didn't want you to think I was an idiot.
Shelby: You tried to memorize all the trivia answers? Winston! I don't want some smart, rich guy who owns his own car. I want to be with you. I don't care if you don't know Ernest Hemingway's birthplace.
Schmidt: Oak Park, Illinois.

Jess: I'm not used to people who have it all together. I think... you scare me.
Russell: Oh, no, no, I don't... I don't have it all together. I don't even know how to talk to my own kid. I can't even remember the last time she hugged me and used both arms. She said she wanted to go bra shopping, and so I bought her a ski vest.
Jess: Look, every eye roll means you're doing something right.
Russell: Really?
Jess: No, that's just what I tell parents to make them feel better.