Winston: Goldfinger! I mean, no, no. I meant to say Golden-Golden Hind! Golden Hind is what I meant to say.
Host: No.
Schmidt: Winston, you are all over the place. The Green Bay Packers did not invent the T formation, nor was Crispin Glover the first man to die in the Revolutionary War.
Winston: Shh.
Shelby: This is supposed to be fun.
Winston: Look, Babe, it is fun. I just don't want to look stupid in front of everybody. All right?
Shelby: You're not stupid.
Winston: Well, I mean, he did skip Earth when listing the planets.

Nick: I didn't ask you! I'm talking to you! You want to come in here and charge me a billion dollars? [laughs] That's nothing to me! Want it? Want it? [cut] You're off the streets. I don't want to, either. You're the best cop I got! [cut] This is President Miller of Earth, I'd like to speak to the Galactic Emperor, please. Yeah, it's about money. [cut] I'm gonna push a piece of paper across the desk that I've written a little number on. Why don't I just tell you? It's five kabillion dollars. [cut] So, what do you say? Is China mine, Mr. Ying?

Jess: Buying a phone's a big deal. I mean, think of how long you'll have this thing. It's like buying a car or a bra. Eight years, man. Ow.

Russell: Excuse me?
Jess: Oh, hi.
Russell: Yeah, hi, hi, I'm Russell Schiller, Sarah's dad.
Jess: Oh, yes.
Russell: We spoke on the phone.
Jess: I'm Jessica Day.
Russell: Did you just curtsy?
Jess: I did, yes. I did.

Schmidt: Oh, you want me to take a dive next time?
Winston: Take a dive?
Schmidt: You know, like pretend like you know more than me when Shelby's around, so it seems like you're smarter. I know you'd do the same thing for me if I were the dumber one.
Winston: Wow, okay, so let me get this straight: You think because you know a few facts about Princess Kate, that makes you smarter than me?
Schmidt: First of all, Kate is a duchess and whip-smart by all accounts. And second of all, don't be so prideful. Look, man, there's nothing wrong with being the second smartest in the loft. You know what, let me take that back. Jess is a teacher of children.

Winston: I'm sorry; I just feel like someone should suggest a simple apology. I know that's not where we're headed here, but I'm just gonna go on record and say, I think you should apologize like a human.
Jess: No! No! I'm going with Nick 'cause I don't think I have to apologize.
Nick: Yeah, Jess, so march into his office, and say, "Hey, Mr. Fancyman, you can't tell me what to do. Your money doesn't own me." And then throw away your phone.
Jess: Yeah, I'm gonna throw my phone into the fiery chasm where he keeps his poor people.
Nick: Actually, scratch that. My mom's got your number in case of emergency.

Schmidt: [on the phone with Jess] What kind of car is it?
Nick: We are the 99%.
Schmidt: Is it an SL?
Nick: We the 99%.
Schmidt: Does it have a push ignition? Does it have a push ignition? Please tell me it's not a hybrid.

Cece: Just a thought. What if he likes you?
Jess: No, I hate him.
Cece: This guy is single and he's sweet.
Jess: Sweet? No. He's not sweet. I would never go for that guy.
Cece: Why?
Jess: Because he's the type of guy who has a linen closet and a towel warmer. You know me. I'm only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea. I like an underdog.
Cece: Spencer didn't even own sheets.
Jess: Yeah. He slept on a pile of washcloths.

Cece: Can I say something to you now that you're not gonna like?
Jess: Yeah.
Cece: Maybe Russell intimidates you. Because you wouldn't have to take care of him, because he would take care of you, and that just terrifies you.
Jess: Uh, no.
Cece: Spencer... wore... jellies.

Elvin: How many pounds in a metric ton?
Winston: 2,204.6. Next.
Elvin: In 1948, Albert became the first American...
Winston: American monkey in space. Let's go.
Elvin: This ancient...
Winston: Mesopotamia. Hit me.
Elvin: You don't actually know what a Mesopotamia is.
Winston: Of course I know what Mesopotamia is. Don't be crazy.
Elvin: Use it in a sentence.
Winston: Look, there's Mesopotamia.