Jess: Hey, Schmidt, your butt just violated the Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act! Westward Ho, son! Westward Ho.
Nick: Bye-bye, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Damn it.

Daisy: Come on, all you got to do is talk to her, what's the big deal?
Winston: Okay, mm...
Daisy: You're at the bar ... I'm Holly. Boy, am I thirsty.
Winston: I was wondering if, like... if you want... if you want, per chance, like...
Daisy: "Per chance," really?
Winston: Hm? No, it's, uh... You're a swell kind of gal.
Daisy: Getting worse.
Winston: You come on out to the bar. Hey, girl, what your name is?
Daisy: Oh, my God.
Winston: What that thing do?
Daisy: Oh, my God.
Winston: Out of all the gals in this... you walked into mine.
Daisy: Please.

Jess: All right, there's only one way to solve this. Two of us have to go behind the Iron Curtain, which is that door there, and kiss. And there has to be a "clear and present threat of tongue."
Nick: This is why I voted for you.
Schmidt: Holly, you ready for this?
Nick: Definitely against the president's order.

Jess: I can see how in this second instance I might be considered a cooler... if you want to label me.
Nick: You think?

Jess: Ugh! What is the big deal? Let's just suck it up and French a little.
Nick: Okay, fine, but don't say "Let's suck it up and French a little."
Jess: Okay, fine. Let's do this.

Jess: Why are you licking your lips?
Nick: Should I not? Do you want dry lips?
Jess: No.
Nick: Then I'm just licking 'em to make 'em better.
Jess: Okay.
Nick: Fine.

Nick: Are you a tongue-er?
Jess: Am I a tongue-er?
Nick: Because I don't want to put my tongue in your mouth, if you don't like it.
Jess: Just kiss me!
Nick: Okay, all right, great. That's what I'm gonna do.

Jess: I'm sorry. You can't do that.
Nick: What did I do?
Jess: Your face.
Nick: My face?
Jess: Yeah, you can't do that with your face.
Nick: Okay, I'll do something different with my face.
Jess: Okay, all right, great. Wait ... you can't kiss with your teeth!
Nick: Okay, I can't ... no, I can't do this.
Jess: Well, you can't try to kiss me like a Joker and expect...

Schmidt: Sometimes, I hear her name when the wind blows. [whoosh] Cece. You know, I left something behind in the desert that day: My faith in true love... and my future biracial child.
Holly: You, you kind of lost me there. Not really doing it for me. It's more depressing than sad.
Schmidt: It's not depress...
Holly: It's depressing. It's sort of depressing.
Schmidt: No, no, no, it's not depressing.
Holly: It's not really doing it for me.
Schmidt: I'm gonna tell you why it's not depressing. Because she is still in love with me. I'm over it completely. Having said that, it's so hard to move on. Do-do you know what I mean?

Holly: You're the... She's the Cece?
Schmidt: Right there, in the flesh.
Holly: You are obsessed! Cece, honey, you have to move on, okay? You can't love somebody forever.
Shivrang: I'm sorry. You love that small shiny man?
Cece: No!
Schmidt: What do you mean, small, man?
Cece: None of this is true. No, because I'm on a date.
Shivrang: Should we make out to make him jealous or something?