Cece: Schmidt? Schmidt, wake up. Hey, hey. Hey. Hey! [both scream]
Schmidt: What... are you doing here?
Cece: What do you think I'm doing here? Come on!
Schmidt: Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Cece: What?
Schmidt: Cece, before we continue, I clearly have no control in this relationship, and... I'm fine with it.
Cece: Good.
Schmidt: But know this, you're the one who broke into this apartment at 3:00 a.m. for a little bit of this Schmidt, so who's really in control?
Cece: Shut up!

Jess: I pay rent, so I think that gives me the right to add a few things.
Schmidt: Jess... [chuckles] you're wrong. Okay? My answer's no.
Jess: Well, my answer is yes. I'm keeping the hutch.
Schmidt: I had a bad night. I'm really, I'm just asking you, please d-don't push me. 'Cause then I'll have to reinstate my ban on high-waisted shorts.
Jess: You would not dare.
Schmidt: Try me.
Jess: That was the worst four weeks of my life.

Nick: Hey, Winston, why are you still drinking? It is 10:00 in the morning, man.
Winston: Yeah, I know what it'll feel like when I stop, so I'm just gonna stay a little drunk, forever.
Nick: Well, why is there no girl version of you, my man? [groans] Moving on.

Winston: So, last night's poker game. Got pretty intense.
Nick: I don't even know what you're talking about ... I was so hammered last night.
[flashback:]
Nick: I've never been more sober in my whole life. I'll remember this as long as I live. I'm all in. Uno, bitches. Read 'em and weep.
Winston: Straight flush.
Nick: Aw!
[present:]
Nick: So, what do I owe you, 20 bucks?
Winston: 20 bucks? You owe me $487.
[Winston points to Nick's stomach, which has "You Owe Me $487.00" written across it]
Nick: Come on, Winston!

Jess: And, Nick, why do you have... cannons drawn all over your back?
Winston: Those aren't cannons, Jess.
Jess: Long-stem mushrooms?
Winston: Nope.
Jess: Oh, so that's... not a mossy cave.
Winston: Mm-mm.
Jess: Mmm, no.
Nick: Probably not.

Jess: I love the beach. Now, isn't this better than arguing about a hutch?
Schmidt: Yeah, if you like hanging out on the rim of a giant fish toilet. Jess, I can't believe you brought me down here.
Jess: This is a great place to talk about your problems.
Schmidt: Jess, this sucks ... I just want to go home.
Jess: Schmidt, come here. Look. You got the birds in the sky. Sea and sand. The wind in our hair.
Schmidt: [grunts] You've lost your kite! Have fun flying your string all day!

Nick: Sorry I forgot my wallet. Thank you for paying. It's delicious.
Winston: Yeah, which is weird, because I clearly remember saying, "Hey, man, don't forget your wallet."
Nick: And then I still forgot it.
Winston: You still forget it. Wow, it's weird.
Nick: Yeah, you said that. We're getting older.

Schmidt: I waded into the ocean without my aqua socks.
Jess: Mm, he did it. He let go.
[flashback to Schmidt jamming with the hippies at the beach]
Jess: He washed his hands in a public restroom.
Schmidt: And there was a man in there. And he was using the toilet, full sit, no door. And I didn't break eye contact. Not once.
Winston: That's not letting go, that's cruising.

Nick: Schmidt, you're killing with me with that drumming! You're killing me!
Jess: Look at this mess. How did this happen?
Winston: So, this is your fault.
Jess: No. No. This is good for Schmidt. 'Cause you guys have been taking advantage of him for years. You make him cook, you make him clean...
Winston: [to Nick] Where's my money, dude?
Jess: Frankly, it's... sexist. [pouring slimy coffee] Oh, my God. Ew!
Nick: How's it sexist?

Schmidt: Silence, friends! I made you necklaces.