Nick: You want to drunk fight a cop?
Coach: He stole my girlfriend.
Winston: Did you hear the joke about the two black guys and two white guys who walked into a police station? The two white guys came out.

Schmidt: Good to have you back, old man. So, what, uh, you and Malia broke up?
Coach: Oh, yeah. She got real fat on me, so I was, like, "Ew. Bye."
Jess: I guess her gain is our gain!
Coach: Who are you?
Nick: Hey, come... Come on, man.
Jess: It's me, Jess.
Coach: Ah, yeah, no.
Jess: We lived together for, like, two weeks. We shared some pretty big moments.
[flashback:]
Coach: Yes! We got Bin Laden!
Jess: SEAL Team 6, bitches! [high five] Yeah! [high five] Yeah! [high-five] Yeah!
[present:]
Coach: Huh. I thought I was alone for that.
Jess: You weren't.

Nick: Let's just get Coach really drunk until he passes out. Then we take him home. Shot contest. Like in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Schmidt.
Schmidt: I'm not ripping a page from that pro-Nazi film.
Nick: It isn't pro-Nazi.
Schmidt: Of course it is. It might as well be an SS propaganda movie.
Nick: No, everybody in a Nazi uniform literally dies.
Schmidt: Yeah, the... When she puts the hand into the, uh...
Nick: The heart.
Schmidt: No, not... Well, that happens, too. Nazis.
Nick: I don't think that makes you a Nazi.
Schmidt: They ate the monkey brains, and there was all the bugs. Nazi, Nazi.

Cece: Men suck.
Jess: Nick isn't even a man.
Cece: Mm-mm.
Jess: He's like some man-boy, man-child hybrid. The other day, I had to tell him not to pull a dog's tail. I shouldn't have to do that.

Winston: Oh, which one of y'all want a lap dance, because WB just hit the ATM.
Coach: Oh, hold up. Shrimp Forks, why'd you get so much Bunny Money?
Winston: What is Bunny Money?
Nick: That is Bunny Money. That's not real money. Look at the bill.
Winston: President Rabbit with two big ass jugs. Damn, man.
Schmidt: It's fine. As long as you didn't take out too much, you're okay.
Winston: Hey, Schmidt, I took out $2,000. [others laugh]
Coach: You keep making mistakes, Winston.

Winston: I bet I get left with the fare. I just bet... Hey, driver, let me just ask you something. Do you like strippers? Do you also like the deal of a lifetime?

Coach: I need everyone to shut up and answer one... simple... question! You sons a bitches ready to party?
All: Yeah!

Coach: Anyway, I'm single, and me and my boys are gonna get crazy tonight! Huh? You know what I'm talking about, Shrimp Forks.
Schmidt: Oh, man.
Nick: Oh, no.
Jess: What's Shrimp Forks?
Coach: It's a name I gave Winston when we played hoops. The ball used to always slip through his little, small girly hands.
[flashback:]
Winston: Winston Bishop, point guard [drops ball] Winston Bishop, point guard, R- [drops ball] Point guard, R [drops ball]
[present:]
Nick: He couldn't palm an apple. Old Shrimp Forks.

Cece: I'd make him jealous.
Jess: Yeah, right, yeah.
Cece: And there are a lot of guys out there that want to hook up with you.
Jess: There is this one guy, Artie, from the coffee shop who asked me out.
[flashback:]
Artie: Oh, actually, you have my number. So give me a call. Maybe we can go out sometime.
Jess: Shut your face!

Cece: You should maybe give this guy, Artie, a call and see...
Jess: No, that's too real. That's just way too real.
Cece: Then why do you have his number in your phone?
Jess: I just like looking at it. It's not weird.
Cece: No.
Jess: But it has, like a lot of fours in it. You know, you know what I mean?
Cece: No, I don't.