Winston: I just finally said to myself, "It is time to make your own decisions."
Coach: Right on.
Winston: Yeah.
Jess: If it doesn't work out, I'm sure they'd be happy to have you back.
Winston: They would they would not like to have me back. I burned a lot of bridges today.
Coach: Mmm.
Winston: Uh, stuff got weird. Stuff got racial.
Nick: What?
Winston: I used a lot of swearwords. Then I got sexual...

Jess: Sorry I didn't let you finish your story. [Nick hands her a folded up piece of paper] What's this?
Nick: The end of my story.
Jess: No way! You passed the bar exam?
Nick: I wanted to prove to myself that I dropped out of law school because I wanted to be a bartender, not because I couldn't be a lawyer.
Jess: This also says "spaghetti sandwich."
Nick: That's just 'cause it's a great idea. When I have a great idea, I write it down. The point is is I want this. You know, it makes me happy.

Schmidt: I see you're looking at a Douglas fir. It's a beautiful tree. We move a ton of these Dougie firs. Love them. But I feel like you're ready for the spruce lifestyle. Let's spruce this up. Let me put you in a spruce today. What kind of ceilings you dealing with at home? Vaulted? Cathedral? By the way, there's no wrong answer. You look like a confident man, you know that? You deserve a confident tree.

Nick: Well, nothing brightens up a rainy day like a Scotch tasting, guys.
Winston: It's not raining today. It hasn't rained in months.
Nick: Shh, don't ruin the moment.
Winston: There's actually a huge forest fire. Dude, you should turn on the news.

Nick: This is a 15-year-old French oak reserve.
Schmidt: Mm! A note of cedar, vanilla, tobacky.
Winston: Boozy.
Schmidt: Hunting, fishing, shooting, fatherhood, bonding, sadness. Please don't leave me.

Jess: So, obviously, Nick has told you about how I've been volunteering at the Children's Museum, and really hitting it off with the head curator, Candace, right?
Nick: In my way, I have.
Schmidt: I've never heard that.
Winston: Hasn't said a word.
Schmidt: Thank God.

Nick: Guys, give me one second. I gotta go play a round of "Car Keys Monte" with Kevin-97 or he'll try to drive home.

Schmidt: When I think of teachers, I think of two things: Jessica Day and pornography where the characters are teachers.

Nick: So your phone rings.
Jess: And it's Candace officially offering me the job! And I told her I'd think about it!
Winston: Wow, you not being a school teacher?
Schmidt: Well, you have found my flabbergast button, and guess what, you've pressed it.
Coach: I'm flabbergasted as hell, too.

Jess: Look, I've been a teacher my entire life, and I've always wanted to be a teacher, but maybe I should be doing something else. I don't know. How do you know when you're on the right path? It's crazy. [guys sigh]
That wasn't a rhetorical question.
Winston: Oh!
Coach: Oh!
Schmidt: What I like to do is just take a drive up PCH maybe.
Coach: Willy Wonka once said...