Jess: Um... Oh... Hi, Mrs. Miller. I'm so sorry for your loss. If there's anything I can do to help, I...
Bonnie: Who are you?
Jess: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Jess.
Nick: This is Jess, my new roommate.
Jess: Um, so nice to meet you.
Nick: I've told you about her.
Bonnie: Winnie and Fat Schmidt I know. Hey, boys.
Jess: I just wanted to say that I'm here and happy to do anything.
Bonnie: Is she a Spanish?
Jess: Um... I'm from Portland, Oregon. Land of books. [chuckles] Trailblazers.

Bonnie: Your father always wanted to have a funeral just like Elvis had, so that's what we're gonna give him.
Nick: A funeral like Elvis had?
Bonnie: That means... 12 white limos and an Elvis impersonator...
Nick: Dad's gonna get the funeral you want him to have, okay? So tell me what needs to get done, and I'll just do it.

Jess: It's like a whole secret life for you. You're not even looking at the numbers.
Nick: Aunt Ruthie used to call this the Iron Jew.
Jess: Wow. [chuckles] Are you having time to process this?
Nick: Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out the level of Elvis impersonator we can afford.
Jess: Uh-huh.
Nick: And I think a white one's out of reach.

Jess: Hey, Nick.
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: For Elvis-themed music, what about Elvis?
Nick: I'm really... I'm so slammed right now. I can't hear, like, new stuff.

Bonnie: Where are we on the food? We-we got to have Elvis food.
Nick: Ma, I'm making calls right now.
Bonnie: It's got to be perfect.
Nick: It's gonna be perfect. You just got to let me do it.
Jess: If the food isn't Elvis-themed, does it matter that much?
Bonnie: You got a problem with Elvis?
Jess: I don't... [stammers]
Nick: No, she didn't say that. I'm gonna have to call you back. No, she didn't say that. She didn't say that about Elvis.
Jess: I was just suggesting that maybe the Elvis theme doesn't matter as much...
Bonnie: You don't think Elvis is important?
Nick: She knows Elvis is important, Ma!
Bonnie: Elvis is everything!
Jess: I know. He's the King. He's the King. I'm sorry, Bonnie. He's the King.

Nick: Jess.
Jess: Nick... I'm here to help, but I can't write this eulogy.
Nick: Wait, what?
Aunt Ruthie: Do you want some of my weed?
Nick: I asked you to do one thing. I need you to write the eulogy.
Jess: But I didn't know Walt.
Nick: Nobody wants to hear what I have to say about my dad.
Jess: It doesn't matter what you say. You just... you h... you have to say good-bye to him.
Nick: I'm not asking you to do too much. Just write my father's eulogy. I can't handle this!

Nick: Hey, everybody! I brought Elvis! Funeral saved.
Winston: What?
Nick: Hey, happy funeral, Jess.
Jess: What happened?
Nick: What happened is I found this guy at the bar and he fits into the costume, so for 20 bucks, he's gonna be Elvis.
Brendan: I thought you wanted me to kill Elvis for 20 bucks.
Nick: Then why would I give you the outfit, Brendan?
Brendan: The element of surprise?
Nick: Yeah.
Brendan: The mirror effect?
Nick: He's gonna be perfect.

Jess: All right, here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna sober up Nick and... and Elvis. You, go buy us some time.
All right, Schmidt, stop asking people if they can smell the body. That is rude.
Schmidt: I'll try.
Jess: It's inappropriate and it's offensive, okay?
Schmidt: Okay, but I just...
Jess: All right?
Schmidt: It's what I...it's what I'm thinking.
Jess: I got this. Shh. I got this. Just don't say anything, okay?

Schmidt: Bobby, shut up.
Bobby: Dude, he's dead. What are you doing? What are you doing?
Schmidt: Ooh!
Bobby: What are you doing?
Schmidt: I'm not afraid.
Bobby: Not afraid of what?
Schmidt: I'm not afraid. I can do this. I can do this all day. [puts head in casket]
Bobby: Come on, don't do that.
Schmidt: All day, son.

Nick: I know you told me to write it, but I couldn't. I didn't have anything to say. You're mad at me. You've got the mad face.
Jess: I'm not mad at you, Nick. I'm not mad at you. I have your back. No matter what, no matter how stupid it gets, and... you and I both know it can get really, really stupid.
Nick: I am the stupidest of all the stupid boys.
Jess: No. I'm gonna be there, and I'm gonna hold your hand, and I wanted to tell you that last night, but you ran away.
Nick: Yeah.