Coach: [knocks] Jess? Jessica Day-hey-ey. I just want to say that, um, I would love to be your friend. Look, I know I'm crazy about the Pistons, but it's just because Detroit was the city I lived in the longest as a kid.
Jess: Yes.
Coach: I lived in, like, six different states by the time I was ten. At a certain point, I just... Stopped trying to make friends. [Jess opens the door] Got real comfy on that.
Jess: Really?
Coach: Lot easier saying bye to your buddy's girlfriend than it is your friend.
Jess: Well, I'm not gonna be saying good-bye to you anytime soon. Except for right now. [closes door]
Coach: You want to do a butt bump? Butt... Ah, you're probably doing your own butt bumps. Cool. I know you guys are already done.

Jess: Look, Nick, I need help. Like, tell me about Coach. Like, what's up with him? What does he like? What does he dislike?
Nick: Well, Coach 101 is, he's watching basketball. And that's all he's gonna do from October till June. His team's the Pistons. I mean, they were great in the '80s, but then we got Jordan. Then they started getting good. Then we got Thibodeau. What you gonna do now? And he knows that.

Jess: Nothing but net.
Coach: Traditionally, "Nothing but net" refers to hitting nothing but inside of the net.
Jess: Oh?

Nick: Hey! Hey! What is that?
Jess: It's the Pistons butt bump.
Coach: I didn't know your girlfriend was a Pistons fan. That's got to suck for you, man. But I guess everything sucks for you when you root for the Bulls. [laughs] Butt bump!
Coach & Jess: Ah. Ooh.
Nick: Oh, cool, cool, cool. So you're a Pistons fan now, Jess?
Jess: [mouths "It's working"]
Coach: Suck it, Bulls!
Jess: Yeah. Suck it, Bulls!
Coach: The worst team in the League, the Bulls.
Jess: Oh, it's the worst team in the League, all right.
Coach: Who is the worst team in the League, Jess?
Jess: The Bulls. [sings] The Bulls are the worst team in the League.

Jess: Yeah!
Coach: Turnover!
Jess: Dunk it from the downtown!
Coach: Go! Go! Go!
Jess: Pass that pumpkin to Josh Smith.
Coach: You better listen to my friend. She knows exactly what she's talking about!
Jess: Did you just call me your friend?
Coach: Hmm?

Nick: What's up, guys? Ah, two minutes in, and the Pistons are already down by ten. What a drag.
Coach: What the heck are you wearing, dude?
Nick: Just my Scottie Pippens. Yeah. Oh, hey, I'm just checking up on you. You frustrated at all? You need your vitamin D?
Jess: No.
[Nick stretches and flexes]

Nick: Do my berries make you hungry? Mmm. Refreshing.
Jess: Just drink the water, Nick. You're turning yourself on now.
Nick: I really am, yeah.

Schmidt: You're never gonna believe what Ed just did.
Winston: He stabbed you in the back.
Schmidt: Winston, that's exactly what happened. How did you do that?
Winston: I figured him out, Schmidt.

Coach: I just don't understand why they keep giving these games away! You know what it was? It was that turnover in the third quarter.
Jess: Right.
Coach: Yeah. I'll show you.
Jess: I can just take your word for it.
Coach: Actually, let's do it from the beginning.
Jess: You want to watch the game we just watched all over again?
Coach: Mm-hmm.
Jess: With both overtimes?
Coach: Mm-hmm.
Jess: Great.

Nick: Looking for somebody?
Jess: Just doing a bed check. And you are accounted for, so... See you.
Nick: So, how's it going? You guys bonding over basketball, Jess?
Jess: We're actually this close to moving past basketball and into real friendship, so...
Nick: Great.
Jess: I'm feeling pretty good about it.
Nick: After the Pistons lost, did he get really sad and talk to you about it? About how he felt and you guys became besties after? Or did that not happen because that's not the way men are?