Ben Glazer: [takes the phone] Hey, Jack, it's Glaser. Yeah, how's our little mission of mercy going?
Jack Monk: So far so good. We're outside of Phoenix. Ben, I was thinking of shooting up the 402.
Ben Glazer: No, no, what the hell is wrong with you? Just stick with the route that I gave you.
Jack Monk: It looks like I can save about two hours.
Ben Glazer: There is construction up and down the 402. It's like a parking lot. I know what I'm doing here, Monk.
Okay? Anything else?
Jack Monk: You're the boss.
Ben Glazer: Hmm, damn right I am, and don't you forget it. [hangs up]
Adrian Monk: [to Jack] He found religion?

Boy: Isn't Santa Claus the greatest? Isn't he the greatest man in the whole world?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. I don't know him very well.
Boy: Well, nobody really knows him because he only comes around once a year.

Jack Monk: This is for you.
Girl: An Easter bunny.
Jack Monk: That's correct.
Boy: Who's Ronnie Milsap?
Jack Monk: I have no idea.
Girl #2: What's this?
Jack Monk: It's a dreidel.
Girl #2: What's it do?
Jack Monk: I don't know.
Nun: I don't mean to seem ungrateful, but who selected these toys?
Adrian Monk: Spit it out. Just spit it out. [uses a little girl's finger to dislodge the plastic bit from another girl's mouth]
Girl: This is the worst Christmas ever! Where did you get all these stupid toys? At the dollar store? I hate you.
Nun: Kathy, you don't mean that.
Girl: I do too mean it. I hate you to death. Go back to the North Pole and die.

Adrian Monk: Oh, Jack, there is something wrong here. Look, a whole trailer for six boxes?
Jack Monk: What are you looking for?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Drugs maybe.
Jack Monk: Drugs?
Adrian Monk: Or guns, weapons.
Jack Monk: That's impossible.
Adrian Monk: Well, at least it would explain what's going on here. Your boss, this Glaser. I think- I think he's using you.
Jack Monk: For what?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. But you did say he used to be an orphan here. I was just upstairs. I checked with the administrator. There's no record of him.
Jack Monk: You're checking up on my boss? What if he hears about it, h uh? What are you trying to do here?
Adrian Monk: My job. This is what I do. And I'm good at it. I know when something feels wrong. Look at this. Look. Shampoo, dog food, Q-tips, Das Kapital by Karl...
Jack Monk: Put everything back in here, please. You're gonna get me fired. Get it all back in.
Adrian Monk: Jack, think about it. Think about it. He's making you drive 5,000 miles on back roads, zigzagging back and forth to deliver this? All this junk? It doesn't make any sense.
Jack Monk: You want to know what doesn't make any sense, huh? You want to know what doesn't?! This is the first day we've been together in... in 40 years. Are you trying to help me? No. You are trying to sabotage me! I'm 68 years old! You understand that? And nobody's gonna hire me. I need this job! You're impossible. You've always been impossible. And your brother and your mother too. Now I remember why I left.
Adrian Monk: What did you say?
Jack Monk: Next time I bring Jack Junior. Get the job done properly. You coming? I gotta get out of here.

Jack Monk: You know where I am.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I know where you are. You're just running out to pick up some Chinese food.

Adrian Monk: How did you find me?
Jack Monk: I knew you'd walk in a straight line. You always did. Ben Glaser lied to me. The 402's wide open. And his partner's been killed.

Adrian Monk: So how was he killed?
Jack Monk: I didn't ask. I didn't think to ask. You really believe there's a connection between Kenneth Woods' murder and me being sent out on this wild good chase?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Seems like your boss, Mr. Glaser, wants you out of the way.
Jack Monk: Oh, that's impossible. I'm a great guy. Ask anybody who's not related to me. [chuckles]

Jack Monk: So Detective, what do we do now? Call the police?
Adrian Monk: Not yet. Your boss is up to something, but we still don't know what. No, I think we should stick to the route and drop off the toys. Just see what happens.
Jack Monk: Eat your carrots. [Monk chuckles as he eats his carrots] I missed you.

Adrian Monk: What's this?
Jack Monk: It's a GPS. Eye in the sky.
Adrian Monk: 5,000 miles?
Jack Monk: It's a memory chip. It remembers the last 5,000 miles that you drove. [Monk grabs the itinerary] What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: You started in Texas, right? Then we drove from San Francisco to Phoenix to Carson City. That's about 5,000 miles.
Jack Monk: 4,998.
Adrian Monk: Jack, pull over! Stop the truck.

Adrian Monk: Tell me about your boss. Is he a driver?
Jack Monk: He used to be.
Adrian Monk: Does he ever borrow any of these trucks?
Jack Monk: Yeah, all the time. How do you know that?
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened. Ben Glaser borrowed a truck. This truck. And he drove out to see Kenneth Woods. They must've had a fight.
Jack Monk: Makes sense. They hated each other.
Adrian Monk: Ben killed Kenneth, and he hid his body. But he had a problem. There was a record of where he had driven that day.
Jack Monk: Big Brother!
Adrian Monk: Right. And he knew that eventually the cops would check the GPS computer. He had to erase it and quick. He had to put 5,000 more miles on this truck so the box would reset.
Jack Monk: And he sends me out on this wild goose chase. Son of a bitch bastard! Excuse my language.
Adrian Monk: It's okay. I'm a trucker.
Jack Monk: It's unbelievable. You solved it. You did it. You don't even know these people, and you solved the case! Just like when I used to read Sherlock Holmes to you. You'd figure it out by page two.