Sharona: You're gonna wear out the carpet.
Benjy: Have you seen the downstairs? He cleaned the whole basement.
Adrian Monk: Damn! Damn it! Damn! Damn it! Damn! [stops vacuuming]
Sharona: What happened?
Adrian Monk: Aw. I knew it! Damn. I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen. Oh. Why me? Every single damn time.
Sharona: Adrian, what happened?
Adrian Monk: I solved the case.

Board Member #1: Former Detective Monk, we've been reviewing your file, which includes a statement from your psychiatrist, Dr. Kroger. [Monk notices a crooked blind] Now, he says you're still obsessed with the murder of your wife to the point where you are emotionally paralyzed. Do you agree?
Adrian Monk: Well, she was my wife. You can understand. It's not just another case.
Board Member #2: How's that investigation going?
Adrian Monk: We're stalled. Frankly, it's a dead end.
Board Member #1: However, there is some good news. Kroger says that you've been showing some significant progress in some of your other problems.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I've been working hard. [A board member crumples a piece of paper and drops it by the bin]
Board Member #2: Since your suspension, you've been working as a private investigator. Is that right?
Adrian Monk: Well, it hasn't made me rich, but, you know, it's what I do.
Board Member #1: It's what you do. I like that. You feel that you're ready to do what you do for us again? [The female board member pours a drink and spills some water on the table] I mean, officially?
Adrian Monk: I think I'm ready. As you know, I've been doing some consulting work for the department.
Board Member #1: Yes, on eight occasions. It's very impressive.
Board Member #2: Although, isn't it true, Mr. Monk, that on more than one occasion your phobias have hindered the investigation? For example, last February your fear of heights allowed a suspect in San Anselmo to escape.
Adrian Monk: Well, no officer is without fear of some kind.
Board Member #2: That's true. We all accept that, as long those fears don't interfere with the performance of his duties.
Board Member #1: We'll be making a formal recommendation by the end of the week. We have to speak with two or three more people, including Captain Leland Stottlemeyer.
Adrian Monk: Captain Stottlemeyer.
Board Member #1: As your commanding officer for years, his testimony is crucial.
Board Member #2: Thank you for coming in. [Monk is distracted by the blind] Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Board Member #1: Mr. Monk. You're still here.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Yeah, we're leaving though. We're going. Here we go. Sharona, you coming? [Sharona holds out the keys] Keys. Keys. Good parking spot, though, don't you think? I mean, lucky, lucky. Can't beat it with a stick. [Monk gets in the rear driver's seat] Okay, I got it. [Monk gets in the right door] See you next time.
[As Monk cautiously reverses, he hits a park car. He awkwardly drives forward anyway and pulls out of the spot.]

Adrian Monk: How's Anita?
Adam Kirk: Oh, she's good. Thanks for asking.
Adrian Monk: Where is she?
Adam Kirk: You just missed her. She's just out shopping. She should be back, oh, any minute now.
Adrian Monk: Listen, friend, if I'm gonna help you out, y-you can't lie to me.
Adam Kirk: What?
Adrian Monk: You two had a fight. She moved out.
Adam Kirk: Now, who told you that?
Adrian Monk: The woman is obviously into gardening, but every plant in the place is dying.

Sharona: You remember Benjy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes. How you doing, Benjy? You're in Little League, right? Yeah. I think my kid beaned you last year.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Internal Affairs. Look, you just happen to be here, okay? It's your day off, understood? Hey, Walt!
Walter Cauffel: Captain. How are you? Mr. Monk, Walter Cauffel.
Adrian Monk: How's it going?
Walter Cauffel: Ah, it's a bitch, bitch and a half. What are you doing here?
Adrian Monk: I'm here with my assistant and her kid.
Walter Cauffel: I never figured you the amusement park type.
Adrian Monk: Oh, sure. I love it. It's so, you know, edgy.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, give me a couple minutes and I'll get rid of him, all right?
Adrian Monk: What should I do?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Just have fun.
Adrian Monk: Fun?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Look, you've seen other people have fun. Imitate them.

Board Member #1: Captain Stottlemeyer, you have used former Detective Monk several times over the last two and a half years.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, that's right. On a consulting basis.
Board Member #1: Have you been satisfied with his work?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, absolutely. He, um... He has helped me solve five- No, six very difficult cases. He has a unique way of looking at evidence even after a scene is cold.
Board Member #2: In your professional opinion, do you think Adrian Monk is ready to be reinstated?
Captain Stottlemeyer: He is an excellent investigator.
Board Member #2: I believe we've established that. The question is do you believe he should be reinstated to the San Francisco Police Department?
Captain Stottlemeyer: He is reliable. He, uh, has an encyclopedic knowledge of the strangest, most arcane things. Like book binding. There was a case before he got-
Board Member #1: Captain, this is a "yes or no" question. Now, in your opinion, is he or is he not ready to be reinstated? Yes or no?

Adrian Monk: Oh, no. Oh, no. You didn't recommend me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk-
Sharona: You son of a bitch.
Adrian Monk: I thought you were gonna do the right thing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think I did do the right thing.
Sharona: He saves your ass all the time and he never asks for anything in return. He closes case after case, and then he goes home and watches you on the news taking all the credit.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I wanted to recommend you, I tried to recommend you, but I just couldn't do it. Adrian, you are not ready to carry a gun. You're not ready to have other cops depend on you under fire. In your heart, you know you're not ready. [Monk walks away]
Sharona: At least your friend Adam Kirk has the decency to stab people in the front.

Adrian Monk: [on the phone] It was Leonard Stokes. He planned the whole thing from prison. His trial was coming up and somehow he had to get his confession thrown out. The only chance he had was to discredit the cop that arrested him, and that was Adam Kirk. Stokes called his pal, John Gitomer. He convinced Gitomer to lure Kirk onto the Ferris wheel and then make it look like Kirk beat him up. The bruises on Gitomer's chest were self-inflicted. That's why his sweatshirt was zipped up all the way.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, what about the stabbing?
Sharona: Captain says, "What about the stabbing?"
Adrian Monk: I'm getting to that, aren't I? Turn it back. It turns out, Gitomer only knew half the plan. He was the real patsy. Stokes had another partner, someone who worked at the carnival. Someone who loved him. Someone who would kill for him.
Sharona: The Ferris wheel operator?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wait. How does he know it was the Ferris wheel operator?
Adrian Monk: They were both wearing Straight and Sober buttons, orange ones. Every chapter has their own color. Took me a while to put it together. Stokes didn't want to make Lieutenant Kirk look corrupt or hot-tempered. He wanted to make Kirk look like a killer. Kitty was there to finish the job.