Sharona: You look great.
Adrian Monk: I haven't worn it since Trudy's funeral.
Sharona: You sure you're not getting your hopes up?
Adrian Monk: Of course I am. That's what hopes are for.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy. Did I ever tell you about Monk's first day as a detective?
Lieutenant Disher: No, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Have a seat. He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.
Lieutenant Disher: Was he, you know...
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. He was a little wound. He used to wipe off the windshield and rearrange the glove box before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body in a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine, you know, the big sleeping pills?
Lieutenant Disher: Horse tranquilizer, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I said, "Suicide." Every cop on the scene said, "Suicide." Medical examiner said, "Suicide." Monk walks in, says, "Murder. Where's the water?" The room had no water. Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I'm sure you would've seen it eventually, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Don't kid yourself. There is only one Adrian Monk.

Sharona: How'd you guess the jelly beans?
Adrian Monk: Sharona. Sharona, just give me the shoe.
Sharona: No. Not until you tell me.
Adrian Monk: Come on. This is not funny. I can't walk.
Sharona: How did you do it?
Adrian Monk: All right, I'll tell you. As we walked into the carnival, there was a pile of garbage.
Sharona: Pile of garbage?
Adrian Monk: Yes, and I noticed that they were throwing away some empty jelly bean boxes. They were labeled. Each one contained 1,400 jelly beans. There were six boxes, so that's 8,400 beans. You figure the kid who ran the game ate a couple of handfuls, so that's 8,385. Now, can I have my shoe, please?
Sharona: You remembered how many empty boxes you saw?
Adrian Monk: Yes. It's a blessing and curse. Please don't ever take my shoes again. It's not funny. It never will be funny. It won't be funny the next time you do it. Stop laughing.

Sharona: I have an idea. Start yawning.
Adrian Monk: Yawning?
Sharona: Yeah, to make it look like you're too tired to drive.
Adrian Monk: Why would I be too tired to drive? It's 10:00 in the morning. I'm not in kindergarten. I'm trying to get my badge back here!
Sharona: Everybody gets tired. You don't think cops get tired?
Adrian Monk: It's too late to start yawning now. I would have had to start yawning when I was upstairs to set it up.
Sharona: It is not too late to start yawning right now, because you have to start yawning at some point of the day. Everybody yawns all day. There's no rules. Yawn. [Monk yawns]

Adrian Monk: What do you think?
Sharona: I think you should do it. The captain's gonna testify in front of the review board tomorrow. This may be good help.
Adrian Monk: I agree, but let's stay here a minute, make it look like it's a tough decision.
Sharona: Okay. What should we talk about?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. How's Benjy?
Sharona: He's good.
Adrian Monk: What grade is he in now?
Sharona: Fifth.
Adrian Monk: Fifth grade.
Sharona: Failing math. It's driving me crazy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but-
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk.
Adrian Monk: Yeah?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We can hear you.

Adrian Monk: Get in the car.
Sharona: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm driving. Get in the car.
Sharona: No, you're not.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, they could be watching me right now from the... Don't look! ... from the window right now. Don't look.
Sharona: So what?
Adrian Monk: So I can't let them see you driving me. I'd look like an invalid. So get in the car.
Sharona: No.
Adrian Monk: Get in the car. Will you get in the car?
Sharona: Do you even know how to drive?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I know how to drive.
Sharona: I've never seen you.
Adrian Monk: Well, there's about 15 things that I can do that you've never seen me do.
Sharona: Like what?
Adrian Monk: Drive. I can drive. Get in the car.

Sharona: Stottlemeyer. He says it's very important. No! No! Adrian! I'm driving. When hell freezes over, you can drive again. No. You know what? Even if hell freezes over, I'm still driving, because I don't want you driving on the ice. Get in the car!

Benjy: Mom, how many tickets can we get?
Sharona: I don't know.
Benjy: Okay, let's get a whole sheet, which is $40.
Sharona: I don't know, Benjy. I work for a very cheap man.
Man: How many?
Sharona: Ten?
Adrian Monk: That's true. She does.
Sharona: He's also a very naive man who doesn't know when he's being used.

Sharona: Adrian, I promised Benjy I'd take him on the bumper cars, so we'll meet you later, okay? Just stay close to the captain. And if you get lost, find a policeman. Promise?

Benjy: Mom, can I have two dollars?
Sharona: Wait. What for?
Benjy: It's a contest. There's a big jar of jelly beans, and if I guess how many are in the jar, I win a boom box.
Adrian Monk: 8,385.
Sharona: What?
Adrian Monk: That's how many jelly beans are in the jar. 8,385.
Benjy: 8,385.
Sharona: Have you seen the jar? [Monk shakes his head] How can you guess if you haven't seen the jar?
Adrian Monk: Benjy, 8,385.
Benjy: Okay. Thanks, Mom.
Sharona: [to Monk] Okay. Now you owe me two dollars.