Natalie: Why did he leave just like that?
Adrian Monk: It was my fault. I drove him crazy.
Natalie: He said that?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie: Then how do you know?
Adrian Monk: I... I know. I... I just know.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you can't blame yourself.
Adrian Monk: You wanna bet?

Julie Teeger: Wow. This is spooky. Do you do this every year for Halloween?
Ambrose Monk: Do what?
Julie Teeger: Um, nothing.
Natalie: All these instruction manuals.
Adrian Monk: Yes, Ambrose wrote them. That's what he does.
Natalie: Wow, Ambrose, you must be pretty handy around the house.
Julie Teeger: Yeah, you should've been there when we were putting together my Malibu Jenny bungalow. It took my mom five hours.
Ambrose Monk: I'm not surprised. Mike Gordon wrote that one. He's a hack. The man can't tell the difference between a 3/4 inch retaining screw and a half inch lag bolt. I'm not kidding. He actually made that mistake. Still can't believe he won the Niz-em-ew award.
Adrian Monk: Niz-em what?
Ambrose Monk: National Society of Instruction Manual Writers.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Right. I've won five of them.
Julie Teeger: Can we see one?
Ambrose Monk: No. They're not here. They won't mail them.
Natalie: Well, at least you won them. That's the important thing.

Natalie: Oh, I found some pictures. I hope you don't mind.
Ambrose Monk: No, no.
Natalie: Is that your father?
Ambrose Monk: Oh, that's him and Ambrose.
Natalie: He named the turtle after you?
Ambrose Monk: He named me after the turtle.
Natalie: Oh, Ambrose.
Natalie: Oh, I like this one. You look so happy.
Ambrose Monk: Mom was worried about us because we never laughed. So she made us practice. That's us practicing. So now I can laugh. [chuckles] If I have to.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, get out of there. Go. Ho, ho, ho! Get! I hate pigeons. Like rats with wings.

Adrian Monk: What's this? Oh, this hasn't been here long. It's clean.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a Clove cigarette. They make them in Indonesia. People use them to try to quit smoking. They don't work.
Lieutenant Disher: Driver's?
Adrian Monk: The driver has his own. I'm thinking it's the shooter's.

Natalie: [answers phone] Hello. No, Sharona's not here anymore. Uh, about a year ago. Well, I don't know what happened. She moved to New Jersey. Sir, I don't know what happened. You'd have to ask her. Who is this? Mr.
Monk, it's your brother.
Adrian Monk: Ambrose? I can't. I, uh... Tell him I'll call him back. Tell him I'm busy.
Natalie: Your father called.
Adrian Monk: My father?
Natalie: He's coming home.

Natalie: What? You okay?
Adrian Monk: What do I say to him after all these years?
Natalie: You say, "Hello, dad. I missed you."
Adrian Monk: No. No, I can't say that.

Natalie: Julie, okay, be nice, okay? Remember what we talked about? Mr. Monk's brother's ill. He's agoraphobic.
Julie Teeger: I know. He never leaves his house.
Adrian Monk: He left once. Once in 34 years.
Julie Teeger: At least he left.
Adrian Monk: Well, the house was on fire. I had to drag him out.

Ambrose Monk: Adrian.
Adrian Monk: You talked to him?
Ambrose Monk: I told you he'd be back. He's in town on a business trip. He said he'd be here at 8 o'clock sharp. You gave up. But I never gave up. I never gave up. Never.

Frankenstein: [growls]
Ambrose Monk: How old are you? Because I have a rule, no one older than 14.
Frankenstein: [nods]
Ambrose Monk: Only one per customer. [Frankenstein paws through the bowl] What are you doing? Only one per customer. Did you hear what I said? No. No, only one per customer.
[Frankenstein hits Ambrose over the head with a pumpkin]
Natalie: Get out of here!
Adrian Monk: Hey! Hey!
Natalie: Ambrose, are you okay? Ambrose, can you move?
Ambrose Monk: Did he get more than one piece?