Adrian Monk: Wait a minute. P-300? Isn't that a fatality?
Lieutenant Disher: It was pretty ugly. The driver hit a tractor trailer head-on. He and his wife were both DOA.
Adrian Monk: And this was the car that had the bumper sticker? "Happiness is a choice."
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, that's right. Well, actually it was on fire when I got there, so it was hard to read.
Adrian Monk: And this didn't deter you or make you think twice?
Lieutenant Disher: I mean, it was an epiphany, Monk. I mean, you can't just choose where you get it. I mean, it could be from a guru on a mountaintop or it could be from a bumper sticker on a burning Subaru.

Adrian Monk: Brian caught the fish. Possession is nine tenths of the law. That's the rule. In fact, when you're in the woods, it's ten tenths.
Nicky Phillips: Ten tenths? That doesn't sound right.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, rules don't have to sound right. That's another rule.

Brian Willis: What are we gonna do? He doesn't like the fish. He's gonna kill us! Do something.
Adrian Monk: [calmly] It's OK. It's OK. I'm very calm. We're very calm. Look how calm we are.
Brian Willis: He likes it. It's working. Keep talking, keep talking.
Adrian Monk: What do I say?
Brian Willis: I don't know. Tell him a story.
Adrian Monk: What? What story?
Brian Willis: It doesn't matter! He's a bear!
Adrian Monk: Okay. You're probably wondering what we're doing here. Here's what happened. See, an armored car was robbed, and the guard was killed, and the police recovered some shell casings from the crime scene. And if they could match them to the casings found in that clearing, they'd have an airtight case. [bear growls] Exactly. And those two men they weren't hunters, they were killers. They must've been target practicing up here, and someone must've spotted them. Maybe a park ranger. That's why they came back. 'cause they knew that those shell casings could tie them to the crime scene. [bear goes away]
Brian Willis: I guess it got bored. Nice work.
Adrian Monk: It's what I do.

Lieutenant Disher: Hey, do you want to come? I could use the help.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
Lieutenant Disher: Do you have plans?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
Lieutenant Disher: You're not feeling well?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I hope you feel better.

Adrian Monk: I don't know how you do it.
Lieutenant Disher: What's that?
Adrian Monk: How you take it. People joke around, tease you, you never get mad or upset.
Lieutenant Disher: Used to bother me when I was coming up in uniform. I heard people laughing, telling Randy Disher stories. It hurt, you know. I almost quit.
Adrian Monk: What happened?
Lieutenant Disher: One night I got a call. A P-300 downtown. There was a bumper sticker on one of the cars, and it said, "happiness is a choice." I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but it changed my life. I made a decision right there. I chose to be happy. I mean, I really believe that. I mean, you have the power. You can choose to be happy.
Adrian Monk: I guess I should read more bumper stickers.
Lieutenant Disher: Everybody should.

Natalie: Well, it's just a preliminary hearing, right? They'll make the final recommendation next week. Maybe he'll change his mind.
Adrian Monk: You know that Hank Henderson shot his partner? Natalie, he shot his own partner, and he was reinstated a month later.
Natalie: Well, Hank Henderson plays the game, Mr. Monk. He plays golf with the police commissioner's brother. You got to get out there, network, kiss some butts.
Adrian Monk: Sounds so unsanitary.
Natalie: You know what I mean. Schmooze. You have a week to change his mind.

Captain Stottlemeyer: At the moment we have bigger problems. Driver's in the hospital, the guard is dead. Went down around 10:30. Very professional, very well-planned... Until it wasn't. Bad guys parked here. The armored car was about an hour behind schedule, so they must've waited here for some time. Two guys, they got out, ski masks, both with rifles, bang the driver, bang bang the guard, then make off with 900 grand. So what do you think?
Adrian Monk: I can't believe Anderson got reinstated. He shot his own partner.
Natalie: Any fingerprints?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, nothing. The cab was clean, the doors. They were probably wearing gloves.
Adrian Monk: Open the meter.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: Well, you said the armored car was running late. Right, so if they didn't want draw attention to themselves they were probably feeding the meter.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Fingerprints on the coin. Hey, get the tech guys over here. Have 'em open this meter and dust every coin they find. Thank you.
Adrian Monk: I'm not a schmoozer. That's the problem. I don't play golf. How do people schmooze, anyway? Is it "schmooze" or "smooze"?

Natalie: When are you leaving?
Lieutenant Disher: Tomorrow morning.
Natalie: Why are you wearing that now?
Lieutenant Disher: I have to get acclimated. You know, it's like swinging two bats in the on-deck circle. Women, they just don't get it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take it off, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.

Natalie: That's where we are, and that's where you're going.
Adrian Monk: The middle of nowhere.
Natalie: It's not too late to back out.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no. I am doing this. I am playing the game.
Natalie: Well, at least try to have some fun.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it's a game. It's not supposed to be fun.

Natalie: So here are your wipes. Extra wipes.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Natalie: Back-up extra wipes. Some extra back-up wipes. You want me to write your name in your clothes?
Adrian Monk: Hah, not necessary. A, my name's already in them, and B, these clothes aren't coming off.
Natalie: Even when you sleep?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I won't be sleeping.
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, where's your canteen?
Adrian Monk: I won't be drinking either. If I drink water, I make water, you understand? I don't want to start the machine, you understand?
Natalie: Unfortunately, yes, I do understand.