Adrian Monk: Hey, cool, you brought your transistor radio? What are you listening to?
Brian Willis: Music.
Adrian Monk: What kind of music does your dad like?
Brian Willis: Whatever sucks.
Adrian Monk: Who's your favorite band? I like the various artists. You heard of them? They do all kinds of soundtracks.

Norman Walters: I got matches.
Adrian Monk: Oh, not yet. No, it's not quite even.
Will Dellman: We're just going to burn it, not live in it.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, you'll thank me later.

Lieutenant Disher: They called him the Spider Lake Maniac because all the killings happened right here in these woods about a year ago. Actually, it was a year ago. Tonight. Now, there's a mental hospital about ten miles away from here. It's called the Lassen County Clinic. Everybody thought it was escape-proof. But somehow he escaped.
Adrian Monk: Randy, excuse me. The Lassen Clinic's been closed for 20 years.
Lieutenant Disher: That's right, yeah. It must've been another mental hospital.
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know, I don't remember. But the point is he escaped. Now, on the first night, he killed two fishermen. Slit their throats. But he didn't need a knife. Want to know why? Because he didn't have a left hand. Instead, he had a razor-sharp hook! Argh!
Adrian Monk: Actually, they don't use hooks anymore. These days they have prosthetic hands. You know, rubber. Just like real hands.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, he had a hook.
Adrian Monk: Or a hand. It was probably a hand.
Lieutenant Disher: It was a hook.
Adrian Monk: Or a hand.

Lieutenant Disher: The important thing is he was a maniac and the simplest thing could set him off.
Adrian Monk: He was probably bipolar, which by the way, they can treat now. There's this new drug called lexapro.
Will Dellman: Lexapro is excellent.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, the spider lake maniac didn't take his medicine.
Adrian Monk: I'm sure he took his medicine. It was probably mandated by the court. You're scaring the kids.
Will Dellman: They probably started off with xanax. That's what they did with me. Ooh, that reminds me I have to take my pills.
Adrian Monk: What're you doing? What is that?
Norman Walters: [playing video game] This is my backup.
Lieutenant Disher: Fine. So thanks to modern medicine, the Spider Lake Maniac now lives in a public housing project with his pet cat and never bothers anyone. The end.
Brian Willis: Wow. That was pathetic.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah, it was a great story, Professor Lame-O.

[As the phone in Luke Johnston's pocket rings]
Lieutenant Disher: Listen. Hey, that's that's me. That's that's my song. Oh, oh, dude, this is gonna rock your world. You ready for this? I'm Randy Disher.
Luke Johnston: Who?
Lieutenant Disher: It's the Randy Disher Project. I'm your ring tone, man. That's my song. Go ahead. Answer it.
Luke Johnston: Not today. I'm on vacation. Anyway, we're gonna take off. But it was nice to meet you guys.
Del Johnston: Good luck with your fish.

1st Panel Member: Sorry we're late. Have you been waiting long?
Adrian Monk: 11 years. [smiles]
1st Panel Member: Are you all right?
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. I'm just smiling.
1st Panel Member: Adrian, I just want to say that we really appreciate the work you've done, unofficially as a consultant over the last eight years. We've been reading your case file and talking with your colleagues. It's a very impressive record.
2nd Panel Member: I worked on the raincoat strangler case. We worked that case for nine months without a lead. I still don't know how you did it.
Adrian Monk: I got lucky. Actually, it was more than just luck. I talked to the suspect, and I noticed there were a few discrepancies in his alibi.
2nd Panel Member: It was quite impressive. It was dazzling, actually.
Adrian Monk: Impressive, dazzling, I'll take either one.

2nd Panel Member: I see you're still working with Neven Bell. I've known Neven for years. He's a good man.
Adrian Monk: And a good psy- doctor. We made some real progress.
2nd Panel Member: So I see. Tell him I said hello.
Adrian Monk: Can I use your phone?
2nd Panel Member: Oh, you don't have to say hello now. The next time you see him.
Adrian Monk: Ah, got ya. [laughs] It's fun to laugh.

Captain Frank Willis: Mr. Monk, I also appreciate the work you've been doing for the city as well as the progress you've made. I have to say I'm very encouraged. However-
Adrian Monk: How- However?
Captain Frank Willis: Handing you a gun and a badge is a big responsibility. It's probably the most important decision this panel will ever make, and it wouldn't be fair to you or the city to put you on the street prematurely. And, speaking personally, I'm just not sure. I'm not convinced you have the judgment, I'm not convinced you have the temperament. Thank you for coming in. We'll have an answer by next week.

Adrian Monk: I mean, it was going so well. The first two loved me. I could tell we were all laughing, for some reason. But the third guy, this Captain Willis, Frank Willis, he just hated me.
Natalie: Well, two out of three, a least you're getting closer.
Adrian Monk: [sharp, raspy] "Mr. Monk, I just don't think you have the judgment or the temperament."
Natalie: That's how he talks?
Adrian Monk: Yes, exactly.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, there you are. How'd it go?
Natalie: Good. It's two to one in our favor.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that's not bad. You're getting closer.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, to retirement age.