Natalie: Okay, this is from Mr. Monk.
Julie Teeger: You didn't have to get me anything. Thanks.
Adrian Monk: Don't tear.
Julie Teeger: A first aid kit.
Adrian Monk: That is the hot gift this year. It's the Cadillac of first aid kits. I'm talking about 100 feet of gauze, five different ointments, and a tourniquet. Now, that tourniquet...

Natalie: We're gonna look at that later, because this is from both of us. Be careful, though, it's fragile.
Adrian Monk: Oh. [opens it to reveal a goldfish in a bowl] It's alive. It's a living thing. Is it gonna die?
Natalie: Well, not for a long, long, long time.
Adrian Monk: But it will die eventually.
Natalie: It's a friend. It's a little friend to keep you company.
Adrian Monk: A dying friend. Look. Look at it. It's just twitching. It's turning. Left, then it swims right. It's zigzagging. Can we train it?
Natalie: Yeah, we can train it. To swim clockwise.

Natalie: Oh, nice sweater.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, thanks. It's a gift from my Aunt Kay in Boston. She knitted it herself.
Natalie: Wow.
Lieutenant Disher: Mmm hmm. Yeah, she said it took her months. I'm her favorite nephew.
Natalie: I'm sure you are. I'll be right back, okay?
Lieutenant Disher: [to passing woman] Hey. Merry Christmas.
[Natalie returns with a man wearing the exact same sweater as Disher]
Natalie: You two cousins?
Lieutenant Disher: Where did you get that?
Man: Walmart. 15 bucks.
Lieutenant Disher: Aunt Kay probably went to Walmart and saw that sweater and went home and knitted me the same one. That sweater inspired this one.
Natalie: You can still see where she tore the tag off. It's the thought that counts.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant, you're wasting your time. I'm telling you it's Frank Prager.
Lieutenant Disher: All right. How about this? How about we split up into two teams? Your team gets Prager and my team will take the rest of the list. Okay. Let's see.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
Lieutenant Disher: I'm picking my team. I'll take... I'll take Monk.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I'll take Monk.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. I'll take Natalie.
Natalie: Oh, I can't. Julie's waiting for me at home.
Lieutenant Disher: Fine. Um, I'll take...
Captain Stottlemeyer: You'll take Robins. Meet us back here at noon.
Lieutenant Disher: I'll take Robins.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Terry, hey. That's not straight. The left side's too low.
Terry: It's good enough.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, it's not. Adrian Monk is coming.
Terry: Oh, hell.

Captain Stottlemeyer: You looking forward to our little party?
Alice: I guess so. How late do these things usually go?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Last year, Karen and I left at about 2:30 a.m. And Terry, Detective Chasen, was still standing on a table in his boxer shorts singing 'Help me, Rhonda' in Spanish.
Terry: That's a lie. I don't speak Spanish.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, yes, you do.
Alice: Oh, and this came for you. Someone dropped it off the front desk.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. "Captain Stottlemeyer, thank you for your business, Eastwood Auto Supply." You know what this is, Alice? This is a bribe. Somebody is trying to influence public policy. And I think it might work.

Lieutenant Disher: Whoa, hey, what'd you get?
Captain Stottlemeyer: This is from the body shop down the street. Ugh, hell, it's port. I hate port.
Lieutenant Disher: [picks up the bottle] I love port.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, I think I'll bring it home for Karen.
Lieutenant Disher: What, does she likes port? It's kind of an acquired taste. I like port. A lot of people don't.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, I'm taking it home.

Adrian Monk: What's wrong?
Julie Teeger: Is it beautiful?
Adrian Monk: Is what beautiful?
Julie Teeger: Snow.
Adrian Monk: You've never seen snow? Oh, it's very beautiful. No two flakes are the same. But somehow it's still beautiful.

Natalie: What's that one?
Adrian Monk: This one's for Captain Stottlemeyer. I picked his name.
Natalie: Everybody picked a name out of a hat. Whoever you got, you're their secret Santa and you have to buy 'em a present.
Julie Teeger: Hmm. What did you get him?
Adrian Monk: All I can tell you is that he's gonna love it. It's gonna be a great party. I'm not completely dreading it.
Natalie: That's the spirit.

Alice: I'm your secret Santa.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Alice, thank you. Merry Christmas. Oh, it's a funny card.
Alice: Yes, it is.
Adrian Monk: You can tell because of the exclamation points.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What'd you get?
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. [unwraps a mini dustpan and broom] Alice. This, I love.
Alice: Thanks.