Captain Stottlemeyer: Mind if I join you? Randy's upstairs talking to our medical examiner in rap.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I learned a long time ago not to ask Randy why he does anything.

Natalie: He's the guy.
Adrian Monk: Who's- Who's the guy? Hodges?
Natalie: I don't know. There's something about him.
Adrian Monk: Another hunch?
Natalie: Well, we should at least check him out.
Adrian Monk: Why would he kill Extra Large? He had no motive. None! Extra Large was his meal ticket.
Natalie: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: The limo driver's out of intensive care. We can talk to him tomorrow. Maybe he saw something.

Snake da Assassin: We've been asking around, and street's been saying you're some kind of super cop.
Adrian Monk: Well, I guess if other people say it, it's not really bragging. You feelin' me there, Silent? He's feelin' me.

Adrian Monk: That was close.
Natalie: Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: But he seemed to take it pretty well, didn't you think?
Natalie: Take what well?
Adrian Monk: When I turned down the case. When I said I was too busy.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you said yes. You took the case. [Monk looks back in confusion] He wrote you a check. It's right there.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] Natalie, there's nothing in my hand.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, it's right here. You said yes. You gave him your word. You said you had his back.

Adrian Monk: That piece goes there. And that piece goes near the front.
Bomb Squad Technician: You're pretty good at this. Have a secret?
Adrian Monk: You do the corners first.

Captain Stottlemeyer: How 'bout this, Russell? It's a blasting cap. See here? That's a serial number. That's how we know that this particular blasting cap was stolen from a construction site a half a block away from your house.
Murderuss: I am not going to be putting a bomb up onto somebody's town car. You know me. I'm up close and personal, face-to-face.
Lieutenant Disher: Not according to this. Track four. Little song called Car Bomb. [raps] Put the bomb in your lim That's what the surprise is Under your seat Like Oprah giving prizes. [talks] Sound familiar?
Murderuss: Not the way you do it.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, well, I wasn't really performing it.

Murderuss: Look, you got to be one of the whitest white boys I've ever met. And I met Kevin Costner.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, uh, could have done it right, brought in a beat box. Captain wouldn't let me.
Murderuss: I owe you one.
Lieutenant Disher: You know what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: You're not the only musician in the room. Actually, I'm in a band too. We have a very eclectic repertoire. We do rap. We also do folk.
Murderuss: What is this, good cop, demented cop?
Lieutenant Disher: Yo, just go to my website.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: He called me white!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sit down.
Lieutenant Disher: Don't deny it.

Adrian Monk: Oh, I get it. I get it. This is about the secretary thing, isn't it? And how you don't think I... Something about not respecting... Wait. I wrote it down.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, this is not about me. This is about your client. That man is in trouble, and he's depending on you. You shook his hand.
Adrian Monk: Wipe.

Adrian Monk: Here's the thing. When you came to my house and I said yes, that wasn't really me.
Snake da Assassin: [chuckles] Well, he sure as hell looked like you. He shook my hand and he gave me his word.
Adrian Monk: Well, that should have told you something right there. I almost never shake hands. When I get nervous, I say things I don't mean. Okay? So here's your check. It's a little wrinkled. I'll just, uh... No charge.
Murderuss: We're two men, right? We can work this out. Check this out. Wanna hit this peace pipe?
Adrian Monk: No, thank you.
Murderuss: Come on, man. It'll relax you.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm- I'm relaxed.
Murderuss: Dog, you are not relaxed! You got to be the most uptight little puppy I ever met. I bet if I put a lump of coal in your butt and let it sit there for ten minutes, I could get a diamond out of it.
Adrian Monk: D- Diamond? Murderuss, listen to me. You gotta believe me. That wouldn't work.
Murderuss: Man, what are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: There's no way you'd get a diamond from a lump of coal up there. I- It's not physically possible.
Murderuss: Chill out, man. It's just a figure of speech.
Adrian Monk: [sobbing] I'll buy you a diamond. I'll buy you... I'll buy you all a diamond. Diamonds for everybody. Diamonds for everybody.
Murderuss: You heard him, man. Diamonds for everybody. Toast to my main man Monk.

Adrian Monk: Stain remover. Backup stain remover. Trudy pillow.
Natalie: You know, Mr. Monk, running away never solved anything.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, tthe guy who said that, about running away, here's what we know about him. He didn't keep blacking out and making deals with a man named Murderuss, who, by the way, is about to be indicted for two homicides.
Natalie: What are those?
Adrian Monk: Oh, clothes, soap, wipes, water. Be careful carrying the water.
Natalie: Where are you going?
Adrian Monk: I haven't decided. I'm either gonna buy a rail pass and bum my way through Central Asia, or go to your place. I'm leaning toward your place.