Murderuss: Here's what happened y'all. I got this, Monk. [raps] Yeah, you can't believe what you hear all the time. Sometimes seein' is believing. Like the man said, I was set up. I'm just a pawn in this game. Let me break it down for y'all. No, for real. Here's what happened. Have you ever been accused, Man, you got set up And it really wasn't you, Man, you got set up Trying to plant something on me Man, you got set up And then you say I killed your homey This fool was greedy, had to have the whole thing Let me run it down to you, it's a cold game He wanted more than half of the pie That's why his partner had to die [to Woody] You heard me, you were the target all along Am I right, or am I wrong
Adrian Monk: You're making a lot of excellent points. He is.
Murderuss: Every week, they had a breakfast date Captain Crunch, French toast, or a stack of pancakes But this week they wasn't serving nothin' But murder on the plate He wanted to pin it on me like a Purple Heart But his perfect plan just fell apart as he fled the scene, homes. Cause like Aaron Burr who was tried for treason You made a mistake, dog, forgot about the season There was the fatal flaw to the perfect crime See, Sunday was daylight savings time Twice a year we reset the clock Ahead one hour, but I guess you forgot Your partner showed up to break some bread What he found was an empty table instead You didn't order room service Cause you thought the homey Woody was dead Extra Large ran outta luck When the limo came by and picked him up The pocket watch up under the car The trigger went boom And there went Extra Large Have you ever been accused, Man, you got set up And it really wasn't you, Man, you got set up Trying to plant something on me Man, you got set up And then you say I killed your homey I went to the source and found a great detective I told Adrian Monk to follow my direction He solved the case and rocked it well Next stop for you, Denny Hodges Is a Death Row jail cell [drops mic]
Adrian Monk: You dropped your, uh... You dropped your...

Adrian Monk: Here we go, ten seconds, nine...
Natalie: I just wanna say, for the record, I hate daylight savings time.
Adrian Monk: Five, four, three, two, and now!
Natalie: Ya! Perfect!
Adrian Monk: No, it's 2 seconds off.
Natalie: No, no, Mr. Monk. No one's ever gonna notice.
Adrian Monk: Natalie.
Natalie: No one except for you.
Adrian Monk: Let's just try it one more time. Come on, it's only twice a year. Here we go. In 55, 54, 53...

Natalie: What are those?
Adrian Monk: Those are for you.
Natalie: Get out! Flowers? "Happy Secretaries' Day. Mr. M."
Adrian Monk: Y- You're welcome! Yeah, get ready. 42 seconds.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I'm not your secretary. I'm your assistant.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, secretary. It's the same thing. 35.
Natalie: No. No. It's not the same thing.
Adrian Monk: Can we talk about this in 31 seconds?
Natalie: Do you think a secretary has to do what I do? It's a huge responsibility.
Adrian Monk: What? What about the Secretary of State? That's a very important job. Or Secretariat, Triple Crown winner. Love to see an assistant do that. Counting down.
Natalie: You don't respect me at all, do you? I mean, really, really respect me.
Adrian Monk: Of course I do. 22. I do, Nat- [doorbell rings] Ooh, doorbell. Natalie, hurry back. Hurry back.

Adrian Monk: Howdy.
Murderuss: Are you Monk?
Adrian Monk: Please, Adrian. [shakes hands] Excuse us, we were just, uh, we were just setting the clocks forward there. Daylight savings time and all.
Murderuss: Ah, hell, man. I always forget to do that.
Adrian Monk: That's a beautiful watch.
Murderuss: Oh, you like that, huh? It's that white gold. Imported. I have to get you one next time I see you.
Snake da Assassin: They're his trademark.

Murderuss: My name is Murderuss.
Natalie: Murderuss? I've heard of you! I've taken your records away from my daughter.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] You'll have to excuse Natalie. She's a little prudish about that stuff.
Murderuss: I'm different these days. I'm more of a businessman. Have my own record label. Manslaughter Records. This is Snake Da Assassin, my VP.
Adrian Monk: Mr. Assassin.
Snake da Assassin: Sss. [they shake hands]
Adrian Monk: Hello.
Murderuss: And this is Silent Killa, secretary of defense.
Adrian Monk: Secretary? Uh-oh. Natalie here thinks secretary is a dirty word.

Murderuss: Have you seen that? My lawyer's already calling me. Police looking for me. They think I did it.
Natalie: Well, uh, why would they think that?
Snake da Assassin: Motive, yo.
Adrian Monk: Motive, yo.
Murderuss: The deceased, Extra Large, used to record on my label. But the splits wasn't exactly cordial.
Snake da Assassin: I hate that motherf- fella. I hate that fella.
Adrian Monk: Is this all they have?
Murderuss: Plus, about a month ago, I made a song talking about how I wanted to kill him and how I planned to do it.
Snake da Assassin: [raps] Tick, tick, tick, tick Car Bomb! [talks] Name of the song was Car Bomb.
Murderuss: And that's the exact same way he died, you know what I'm saying? Now, look, I'm no angel, and I never pretended to be. But this time, this wasn't me.

Murderuss: I wanna hire you. I want you to do what you do, sniff around and get me the hell outta this.
Natalie: Oh, we're flattered. We really are. But we really, were just talking about we have so many other commitments.
Adrian Monk: Don't listen to her. I'll take the case. I'm your man.
Murderuss: Well, all right.
Adrian Monk: It's an honor. It's a privilege. And don't you worry, because I am gonna get you out of this. My word is my bond.
Murderuss: Now, that's what I needed to hear. Pay the man. Here's a retainer and my business card. You call me as soon as you get some good news. Natalie, it was a pleasure meeting you, beautiful.
Adrian Monk: Thank you for your business, Mr. Murderuss. Mr. Assassin. Mr. Killer. Sorry Killa. K- Killa. Natalie, Killa. Don't worry about anything. I got your back, yo. Have a nice day, yo.

Lieutenant Disher: Oh, can't believe he's dead. You a fan?
Natalie: No.
Lieutenant Disher: Extra Large? He's the godfather of second-wave east coast rap. You know, this was before Jay-Z, Nas, 50 Cent, Fat Joe. I loved his stuff ... [raps] Got myself strapped for the war goin' down, down I looked death in the face and I called him a clown, clown Pulled out my nin
Natalie: Randy, do you think the captain respects you?
Lieutenant Disher: Does he respect me? Yeah. He teases me a lot. Yeah, but at the end of the day, I think my opinion means something. Why?
Natalie: Nothing.

Captain Stottlemeyer: We've already got a primary. Get this the guy had a rival, another rapper. They'd been threatening each other for months, even wrote little ditties about each other. Guess what his name is.
Adrian Monk: Murderuss.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's right! Is that perfect, or what? I can't wait till a jury hears that.
Adrian Monk: Well, it's only a name. Doesn't mean anything.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Murderuss? Monk, that's not a name. It's a confession. Plus, the guy has got a rap sheet like 10 miles long.
Adrian Monk: Alleged rap sheet.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, a very real, grown-up rap sheet. I arrested the kid myself three times back when he was a hood in the 'hood. What are you, his lawyer?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Natalie, am I his lawyer?
Natalie: No. You're his investigator. Murderuss paid us a little visit today.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He came to your house.
Natalie: He was afraid he was gonna get blamed for this, so he asked Mr. Monk to take the case.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And you said yes.
Adrian Monk: Well, so I've been told. I wasn't really there.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You did it again. When he gets nervous, he blacks out sometimes and agrees to do stuff.
Adrian Monk: God. Oh, my God, what did I do?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, look, maybe you're right. Maybe he's not the guy.
Adrian Monk: Of course he's the guy! His name is Murderuss. I mean, I cannot believe this is happening.

Lieutenant Disher: Captain, we found the detonator.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wow, what is this, silver?
Adrian Monk: Nah, that's white gold. Imported.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, how do you know that?
Adrian Monk: Cause my client wears them all the time. They're his trademark. I am so screwed! And where were you?
Natalie: Don't look at me. I'm just the secretary.