Adrian Monk: Here's the thing. When you came to my house and I said yes, that wasn't really me.
Snake da Assassin: [chuckles] Well, he sure as hell looked like you. He shook my hand and he gave me his word.
Adrian Monk: Well, that should have told you something right there. I almost never shake hands. When I get nervous, I say things I don't mean. Okay? So here's your check. It's a little wrinkled. I'll just, uh... No charge.
Murderuss: We're two men, right? We can work this out. Check this out. Wanna hit this peace pipe?
Adrian Monk: No, thank you.
Murderuss: Come on, man. It'll relax you.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm- I'm relaxed.
Murderuss: Dog, you are not relaxed! You got to be the most uptight little puppy I ever met. I bet if I put a lump of coal in your butt and let it sit there for ten minutes, I could get a diamond out of it.
Adrian Monk: D- Diamond? Murderuss, listen to me. You gotta believe me. That wouldn't work.
Murderuss: Man, what are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: There's no way you'd get a diamond from a lump of coal up there. I- It's not physically possible.
Murderuss: Chill out, man. It's just a figure of speech.
Adrian Monk: [sobbing] I'll buy you a diamond. I'll buy you... I'll buy you all a diamond. Diamonds for everybody. Diamonds for everybody.
Murderuss: You heard him, man. Diamonds for everybody. Toast to my main man Monk.