Adrian Monk: [to a coughing old man] Sir, please! Enough is enough! [to Sharona] Can you believe this guy? He's hacking up a lung. A guy's got his limits, right? That was mine. I just couldn't help myself.
Sharona: Do you see how assertive you were?
Adrian Monk: It actually does feel pretty good.
[The old man collapses and falls out of his wheelchair]

Man: Hey! You! You should be ashamed of yourself.
Adrian Monk: I am, 24-7.
Man: Do you know what tomorrow is?
Adrian Monk: Thursday.
Man: Tomorrow is my uncle's birthday. He would've been 90 years old.
Sharona: Hey, he didn't mean to kill him.
Adrian Monk: He was coughing on my neck.
Man: He was my hero.
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] I could feel the spray on the back of my neck.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk! Where's Grayson?
Sharona: He's still inside. Monk doesn't think he did it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, really? Well, this should interest you. Grayson bought a bunch of knives online a year ago that match the murder weapon.
Adrian Monk: A million people buy knives online. And we know Grayson collects weapons.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you got? "Something's wrong, Captain. It doesn't make any sense, Captain." Huh? You got nothin', Monk. Grayson is the guy. If I had a farm, I'd bet it.

Trudy Monk: [dream sequence] Adrian? Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Hey.
Trudy Monk: Hey yourself. How did you sleep?
Adrian Monk: Mmm.
Trudy Monk: You know, I don't think she looks anything like me.
Adrian Monk: That's what I've been saying.
Trudy Monk: Are you attracted to her?
Adrian Monk: Of course not.
Trudy Monk: It's okay if you are. You're only human.
Adrian Monk: I'm not attracted to her.
Trudy Monk: Adrian Monk, you're the world's greatest detective and the world's worst liar.

Lieutenant Disher: Somebody used his dog to lure him in here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The murder weapon. He was struck from behind.
Adrian Monk: Any prints?
Lieutenant Disher: No. Negative on the shovel. Negative on the dog collar too. Probably wearing gloves. Please don't touch that.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Any ideas, Monk? 'Cause I have a few. Most of 'em involve your girlfriend.
Adrian Monk: She's not-
Captain Stottlemeyer: She has means, motive. They've been feuding for years.
Lieutenant Disher: And threatening each other.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Now he turns up dead in her garage. He's dead. The lawyer's dead. Lawyer's secretary's dead. A whole lot of dead people.

Adrian Monk: That light with the motion detectors. It's all smashed.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Probably with the shovel. Our killer preferred to work in the dark.
Adrian Monk: Why didn't he just turn it off? No, the killer couldn't find the switch. Why? Because he'd never been in the garage before.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Or she was hiding near the light, it came on, she freaked out and she smashed it with the shovel. That's possible, Monk. Isn't that possible?
Adrian Monk: It's possible.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes. Here's the situation. Your friend Monica Waters is a suspect in three homicides.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no, no, no.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes. Monk, you're not seeing this clearly. You're too close to her. You've got a big blind spot.
Adrian Monk: I just don't-
Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian, listen to me. She is not Trudy.

Monica Waters: Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: Fine. Let's eat.
Monica Waters: Adrian, you were in the bathroom for, like, two hours.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Monica Waters: It's 9:30.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Monica Waters: I knocked on the door, like, five times.
Adrian Monk: You did?
Monica Waters: You kept saying, "Just a minute."
Adrian Monk: I did?
Monica Waters: Then you recited the lyrics to "Duke of Earl."
Adrian Monk: Really? I guess I'm a little nervous.
Monica Waters: And then for, like, 20 minutes, you were gargling or something.
Adrian Monk: Sorry.

Adrian Monk: That was Sharona. Her son got the lead in the school play.
Monica Waters: Oh, really? What play?
Adrian Monk: Gandhi.
Monica Waters: Gandhi? Is that a play?
Adrian Monk: I think they added a few songs. You wanna come?
Monica Waters: Oh, I think I'll be having a headache that night.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Ma'am, we're in the process of getting a warrant. We're gonna dig up your garage.
Monica Waters: Why?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think you know why.
Adrian Monk: Captain, before you say another word, Derrick Waters is not buried under that garage. He's in Zurich. He's in a private clinic. He's been there for two years.
Captain Stottlemeyer: In Zurich?
Monica Waters: Yes. I have a number if you want to verify it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: In Zurich? Really? So where does that leave us?
Adrian Monk: We're back at square one.

Adrian Monk: Welcome to square one. What are we doing here?
Sharona: I know you told me, but I didn't listen.
Adrian Monk: Okay, one more time. The burnt file.
Sharona: What?
Adrian Monk: Grayson's file. The burnt file.
Sharona: Oh. Mm-hmm.
Adrian Monk: Oh, God. It had nothing to do with anything. Absolutely nothing. It was a decoy.
Sharona: A decoy? The real answer is in one of these other files.
Adrian Monk: Oh, you have to be joking. If I was joking, it would certainly be a lot funnier than this.