Mandy Bronson: Freeze! Don't move. I'm calling the police.
Adrian Monk: You-you-you You're supposed to be at your mother's.
Mandy Bronson: My mother died five years ago. What are those? What are those? Throw them here now. Now!
Natalie: Mrs. Bronson, you don't want to read those.
Mandy Bronson: Who sent you?
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing.
Mandy Bronson: I said who sent you?
Natalie: Your husband.
Mandy Bronson: Derek? He's alive? Is he okay?
Adrian Monk: Well... "Okay" is a funny word.
Mandy Bronson: So you've seen him?
Adrian Monk: Most of him.

Mandy Bronson: Where is he? Can you take me to him?
Natalie: Mrs. Bronson, you need to trust us. There are reasons why your husband cannot see you.
Mandy Bronson: What, because of these? These don't mean a thing. I've known about this girl for years. Please. I have to see him.
Natalie: That's not a good idea.
Adrian Monk: Trust us.
Mandy Bronson: Or I can have you both arrested right now for breaking and entering.

Captain Stottlemeyer: "Wife Claims Missing Billionaire Husband Still Alive. Probate hearing is set for tomorrow.
Former homicide detective Adrian Monk is set to testify." What the hell's Hansen's disease?
Adrian Monk: Leprosy. He's a leper.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: I thought they lived in colonies. You know, like in Ben Hur.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And, uh, you met this guy face-to-face?
Natalie: Yep, he's a client. He called us. He needed our help. Mr. Monk put aside all his fear and prejudice and offered to do what he could, and I am very, very proud of him.
Adrian Monk: I shook his hand. I can still feel it.

Natalie: He's not at all contagious. We talked to a specialist. Randy, I think you might know him. Dr. Polanski?
Lieutenant Disher: No.
Natalie: Aaron Polanski?
Lieutenant Disher: Can't say that I do.
Natalie: Really? Because we thought we saw your picture hanging up in his office.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. It was a case. I was undercover, posing as a kid, a teenager with bad acne. Captain, you remember that case?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're on your own, Randy.

Dr. Polanski: [as they kiss] Boy, this must be the best first date in the history of first dates.
Natalie: Maybe we should quit while we're ahead.
Dr. Polanski: I'm so glad your boss needed my help.
Natalie: Mm, me, too.
Dr. Polanski: Whatever happened with that case?
Natalie: Oh, it's over. Bronson went back to his leper colony on Camino Island. He says he loves it there.
Dr. Polanski: Really? Well, you know, I can believe it. I've seen some colonies in Africa. They're like four-star hotels.
Natalie: You really are an expert.
Dr. Polanski: Well, I should be.
Natalie: Why is that?
Dr. Polanski: Well, you remember I said I knew one person with leprosy? It was me.
Natalie: What was you?
Dr. Polanski: I had it as a kid. Leprosy. Hansen's disease. [Natalie stops kissing him] Well, don't worry. I'm completely cured. Yeah, actually, it's why I became a doctor.
Natalie: Oh.
Dr. Polanski: Yeah. It's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Natalie: Really. Imagine that.

Adrian Monk: Listen to this.
Natalie: I gotta tell you something.
Adrian Monk: We've been duped!
Natalie: I've been duped!
Adrian Monk: Are you ready for this?
Natalie: You're not gonna believe this.
Adrian Monk: He's not a leper.
Natalie: He's a leper!

Adrian Monk: You have the camera? You better have the camera.
Natalie: What are we looking for?
Adrian Monk: Evidence, proof, anything. Oh, how could I not have seen it? Derek Bronson is not a leper. Hey, watch it. Derek Bronson is dead. His wife killed him seven years ago. And she's been living off his money ever since. I mean, she... [Natalie spits out mouthwash] Watch the shoes. [Natalie gargles more mouthwash] She knew that when he was declared dead officially, the will would kick in, the nephews would get everything, and the party would be over. So she found someone who resembled Derek. And she either hired him or seduced him to suddenly "reappear." [Natalie spits out mouthwash and gargles more] Will you please? That's why they chose me. Adrian Monk, the perfect patsy. They knew about my problems. They knew I'd never take a good look at the guy. [Natalie spits out more mouthwash] So there never really was a leper. Except for the guy you were making out with all night. [Natalie starts downing the mouthwash] Are you drinking that? Where's the woman who's been lecturing me all week about compassion and tolerance?
Natalie: Okay, you know? It's not funny. You didn't have your tongue down his throat.
Adrian Monk: I shook hands with one. That's bad enough.
Natalie: Your leper wasn't even a real leper.
Adrian Monk: I thought he was real.
Natalie: My leper was the real deal.
Adrian Monk: That's what counts. You know the old saying, "There is no heart so black as the black, black heart of the phony leper?"
Natalie: No, I never heard that one.
Adrian Monk: Well, it's a saying.

Lieutenant Disher: Oh, hey, I, uh, I hear you're dating a friend of mine. Natalie Teeger. [puts hand on Polanski's shoulder]
Dr. Polanski: Oh, yeah, she's amazing. But I don't think it's gonna happen. Well, she reacted pretty badly when I told her I used to have leprosy.
Lieutenant Disher: [takes hand off Polanski's shoulder] Really? She couldn't handle it, huh? Some people.
Dr. Polanski: Actually, I-I've been trying to reach her to give her a heads up. I think Derek Bronson lied to her. I mean, he told her he's been living on Camino Island. But I checked this morning, and it turns out the leper colony there has been closed for two years.
Lieutenant Disher: Really?
Dr. Polanski: I mean, maybe that guy wasn't really Bronson. I mean, all those bandages.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, no, I mean, the wife met him. It's funny, though. We- We're working on another case, missing persons. We were gonna talk to Monk about it. We found a makeup kit and a book on skin diseases. Huh. I think I'm gonna stop by and have a chat with the wife. Thanks, Doc.
Dr. Polanski: Can I come with you? If- If- If Natalie is in trouble, I'd just, I'd like to be there.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, sure.
Dr. Polanski: Oh, that's great. Thank you.
Lieutenant Disher: Why don't we, uh, take separate cars?
Dr. Polanski: Randy, I'm not contagious.
Lieutenant Disher: No, that's not what I meant. Is that what you thought I meant?
Dr. Polanski: I mean, is that what you... Seemed like that.

Adrian Monk: I'm down here! Down- Down here!
Dr. Polanski: Take my hand. You can do it.
Adrian Monk: Is there- Is there anybody else up there? Could you look around please?
Dr. Polanski: Take my hand, or you'll die! [Monk looks around] Mr. Monk! Mr. Monk!
Adrian Monk: ... I'm thinking.

Natalie: What's the matter? Hey, is the necklace too much?
Julie Teeger: Mom, you look hot. You must really like this guy. You're not scared?
Natalie: No, why would I be scared?
Julie Teeger: Well, um, Mr. Monk, he said...
Natalie: We can't all live by Mr. Monk's rules. What kind of world would this be?