Sharona: Look, they're all basically the same. What about this one? This is great.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but it doesn't swivel. The other one swiveled.
Sharona: I think you should try something different for a change. They probably don't even make your stupid lamp anymore.
Adrian Monk: What do you mean?
Sharona: Maybe it's been discontinued.
Adrian Monk: Discontinued?
Sharona: Why don't you buy a lamp factory and make your own? It'd only cost you $500,000, but at least you'd have your precious lamp.

Sharona: You're buying three?
Adrian Monk: Two are backups. Why don't you fill out an application?
Sharona: Maybe I will.
Cashier: $95.75.
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] Would you mind? I'll pay you back.
Sharona: Where's your wallet?
Adrian Monk: I'm having it, you know, buffed.

Sharona: Here's our invoice for the Teal case. We'd like to get paid.
Lieutenant Disher: Don't you usually just mail this in?
Sharona: We're in a rush.
Lieutenant Disher: A little short, huh?
Sharona: Yeah. So are you.

Dr. Kroger: A drive-by shooting? Do they have any leads?
Adrian Monk: Nothing on the bullets. They found the car a few blocks away. Stolen. A hundred percent clean. No prints.
Dr. Kroger: You know, you- You- You don't seem very upset.
Adrian Monk: Well, it means I'm making someone very uneasy, and that's not such a bad thing.
Dr. Kroger: Well, Sh-Sharona must have been terrified.
Adrian Monk: She quit. We had an argument about money. She took a job at a lamp store on Prospect Street. She'd rather sell lamps than work for me. Let me ask you something. Two weeks ago, she bought me this mug, it said "World's Greatest Boss." Are you allowed to do that buy someone a mug and then just quit?
Dr. Kroger: See, I don't think mugs are legally binding, Adrian.

Archie Modine: That is one hell of a story, Mr. Monk, if you could prove it.
Adrian Monk: He always went the extra mile. That night, your pal Sidney had a little surprise of his own.
Archie Modine: Really?
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. You see, he'd hired an actor to pose as a cop. So after you scared off the mugger, the cop was going to run up and commend you for your heroism.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: Fraidy Cop.
Adrian Monk: I'm afraid so. You see, Captain, I remembered what you'd said that no cop in your department would ever run from the scene of a crime. And it occurred to me, maybe Fraidy Cop wasn't a real cop.
Sharona: I checked all the local costume shops. There was only one cop uniform rented that night.
Adrian Monk: Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Joseph Moratta. Very promising young actor.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You?
Adrian Monk: Joe wanted me to mention that he can be seen in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof at the Harris Webley Dinner Theater all next week.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Our perp is Sidney Teal.
Sharona: The computer guy?
Adrian Monk: Get out of town.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take a look. That's what $5 billion looks like.
Adrian Monk: Get out of town. What in God's name was he doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think maybe that this is how he got his kicks. I mean, that kind of money can make a person crazy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I wouldn't know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right. Anyway, that's my theory. If you've got a better one, I'd really like to hear it.

Adrian Monk: You know, this is insane.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's crazy. It gets crazier. Check this out. This guy's wearin' knee pads.
Adrian Monk: Knee pads?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, and he's got elbow pads.
Adrian Monk: Was he planning on going Rollerblading after?

Adrian Monk: Speed limit's 35.
Sharona: I am going 35.
Adrian Monk: 37. 38 now.
Sharona: Why couldn't you just hold out for the raise? I can't believe you folded like a cheap suit.
Adrian Monk: Tent. For the record, I folded like a cheap tent.

Adrian Monk: Mrs. Butterworth, do you have any idea what Sidney Teal was doing in that parking lot?
Mrs. Butterworth: No. I still can't believe it happened. I'm still in denial. Mugging somebody. For what? Maybe $40? Well, maybe he went crazy. Do you think that's possible, Mr. Monk? For a man to be normal one day and then suddenly go crazy?
Adrian Monk: Yes! I meant the... [points to flowers he was cutting]

Sharona: Look, we need to get paid. I need cash. The stores in my neighborhood insist on money.
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I can't. There's more to it.
Sharona: If you don't submit that invoice, I'm quitting. Now, I'm going to give you until three. [Monk goes to check his watch] No, not 3:00. I'm counting to three. One, two, three. Call me the minute you grow up.